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THEY DO NOT 






TO 

ANITA LOOS 
AND 

RALPH BARTON 



WHEN IT CAME MY TURN I JUMPED RIGHT UPON THE TABLE 
WITHOUT A UKELELE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT” 













































































































































































































































































J 


THEY DO NOT 

\ 

The letters of a non-professional lady 
arranged for public consumption 


COLIN CLEMENTS 


KNOWINGLY ILLUSTRATED BY 

A BOND SALESMAN 



BOSTON 


\r SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY y 

•Vl PUBLISHERS fx* 

A A 






T-L 




rv- 


COPYHIGHT, 1926 

By SMALL, MAYNARD & COMPANY 

(Incorporated) 


•> i 

* + • 


Printed in the United States of America 


THE MURRAY PRINTING COMPANY 
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. 

THE BOSTON BOOKBINDINC COMPANY 
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. 





' 

0 “ 


CONTENTS 


Introduction: 9 

An Open Letter to My Public 

Chapter I: 19 

To Paris By Way of New York and a Boat 

Chapter II: 45 

Paris is Full of Liberty 

Chapter III: 75 

Paris is Really Worth the Trip 

Chapter IV: 119 

Freddy’s Mother Appreciates My Ability 

Chapter V: 157 

Life Has Its Moments 

Chapter VI: 171 

Borax Leaves Hollywood and I Take 
Up Spanish 



An Open Letter to My Public 


Well, when I arrived here at Hollywood 
and all the excitement about my getting back 
to “the heart of the cinema world” had set¬ 
tled down a little, I began to hear that the 
newspapers were saying awful things about 
me all over America without consulting my 
press agent or Max or anybody. 

It turned out that Anita Loos wrote a book 
called, “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” which is 
all about a girl whose sex-appeal wasn’t as 
pure as it should have been. Well, while I was 
over in Paris getting all the artistic atmos¬ 
phere I could get to use in my work, and study¬ 
ing history all the time, and looking at noth¬ 
ing else much but the buildings you’re sup¬ 
posed to look at if anybody takes you to Paris 
on your vacation, while I was doing all that 
just as fast as I could, this book I’m telling 
you about was being published over here in 
America. 

So one of the critics happened to read it and 
right away he began to think that Anita Loos 
had used me and my characteristics for the girl 

9 


An Open Letter to My Public 

in that book. Well, what chance has a poor 
girl got when a critic reads a book and thinks 
he finds my characteristics in it? And then 
goes for lunch to the Algonquin ? That’s how 
everything started and I think they ought to 
stop serving lunch there, especially to critics, 
because they always have the worst kind of 
minds about everybody. 

So the book has been read everywhere and 
turned into seven languages besides, and when 
I think of people talking about my reputation 
as they think it is from that book in seven lan¬ 
guages, my God, I don’t know what to do 
about it, because one language is bad enough 
to get your reputation talked all about in, 
even when a girl has got as much ability as I’ve 
got. 

After that, they told me that everybody who 
couldn’t read the book for themselves got 
somebody else to read it to them and in that 
way everybody in America is laughing them¬ 
selves to death. So I feel it is my duty to save 
my reputation from seven languages and all 
the American population who is laughing 
itself to death, because I’m very democratic 
even if I am a Russian Princess ever since I 
got back from Paris. 

10 


An Open Letter to My Public 

So I thought and thought, because how 
could I ever tell the public I was not the girl 
in that book, especially after it had gone as 
far as seven languages? But I knew some¬ 
thing ought to be done about it at once, 
because if it got into seven more languages, a 
book-reviewer might happen to read it and 
then my reputation would be worse off than 
ever, as they don’t care what they say about 
anybody because that’s what they’re paid for. 

Then I thought about it for another ten min¬ 
utes. A great screen artist like I am has to 
think like a flash if she ever wants to get any¬ 
where, because no director is going to just 
stand around the lot all day unless he happens 
to feel like it. So that’s how I came to remem¬ 
ber about all the letters I wrote to a friend of 
mine while I was over in Paris. I knew she 
would have them all because she knows how 
wonderful I am with so much ability, so that’s 
the reason she saves all my letters. She says 
they’re rich and ought to make a book some 
day. So that’s how I got the idea of putting all 
the letters I’d written together till they make a 
book. Well, I called up a very clever young 
man I know who is out here in Hollywood this 
summer and asked him what he thought of the 
11 


An Open Letter to My Public 

idea. Then we went down to the Biltmore for 
lunch and talked it all over when we weren’t 
eating. So he agreed with me that it was a 
swell idea too, so that’s how I happened to do 
it. And he promised he’d make as many cor¬ 
rections as he thought my large public would 
stand for and leave out any little personal 
things which my public takes for granted 
about a girl with all my ability. 

So when my book gets into seven languages, 
quite a few of the people in these United States 
from San Francisco to New York City will be 
able to read it and then they will see for them¬ 
selves that I’m not at all the girl in that 
“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” and besides, 
I’m not a blonde any more. Because I don’t 
believe gentlemen do. Naturally any girl in 
my position has had a lot of experience with 
hair and gentlemen of all kinds. Also, I never 
knew a man by the name of Eisman in my life. 
Max Goldberg is the only man who was ever 
interested in seeing that I got all the education 
that’s behind me and he’s a motion picture 
director, not a button-maker. Also, I’ve never 
been to Vienna ever. Why, I didn’t even know 
there was such a place till somebody looked it 
up on a map for me and showed it to me so 
12 


An Open Letter to My Public 

Miss Loos must have made that part of her 
book up right out of her mind. 

Also, the public, after they’ve read my book 
in seven languages, will learn that any jewelry 
which was given to me while I was in Paris was 
for my ability alone and even if it wasn’t 
always given to me for my ability alone, I 
wouldn’t be fool enough to tell anybody, so all 
that part of her book must be guesswork and I 
don’t think it’s a very nice thing to write a 
book on guesswork, unless it’s a cross-word 
puzzle book, and then such parts are left 
blank. 

So when my book with all the letters I wrote 
about things gets into seven languages or 
more, if there are any more, all the critics and 
public will see that I spent all my time in Paris 
getting into one atmosphere after another, so 
that when I got home here, I could give every¬ 
thing to my art which is the most important 
thing I can think of at present in my whole 
life. My public will now see that while I was 
in Paris, I went with only the very best people 
because Dickie was nothing if he wasn’t a 
gentleman and it breaks my heart when I think 
what became of him because I’m all full of 
sympathy as well as ability. 

13 


An Open Letter to My Public 


Then Tony was very nice while he lasted, 
and besides he went to Africa which somebody 
told me was very dark and you’ve got to hand 
it to a man who is brave enough to go into a 
place as big as Africa is big, in the dark all 
alone, and that’s just what he did, all alone, 
because I couldn’t go running off to Africa 
when I was in Paris for only three weeks, could 
I? Besides I wouldn’t go into the dark with 
any foreigner, I don’t care who he was, until 
I’d known him longer than I knew Tony. I’ve 
got my reputation to think about all the time if 
my mind’s not too full of other things. And as 
for Freddy, why Max, my director, was awfully 
pleased about Freddy. And when Freddy’s 
mother hurried clear over to Paris on the first 
boat she could find, just to meet me, it proves 
that a girl with my ability is taken right in and 
up by all the Big Society from Boston and 
clear on as far west as Philadelphia. 

As for Boris, which in the intimacy of our 
own family circle we called Borax, I certainly 
married him for true love if any girl ever did, 
because of all the men I’ve met and everything 
in my life, I’ve never even hinted a word about 
marriage before so that ought to prove to the 
public that I was loyal to the man of mv choice. 
14 


An Open Letter to My Public 

I’m so glad all my letters are to be pub¬ 
lished out in the open where everybody can 
read them, because now all my public will see 
that I am not at all like that girl in “Gentle¬ 
men Prefer Blondes,” and they will also know 
for the first time that I’m very innocent for a 
girl with as much ability as I’ve got who ever 
wants to get anywhere or a diamond bracelet 
once in awhile unless she’s a fool. 

So, as my friend, Michael Arlen, when he 
isn’t dining with Bebe Daniels, always says, 
Yours “for Purity,” 

Luella. 

P.S. Maybe Miss Loos believes gentlemen 
prefer blondes, but I want to say They Do Not. 

P.S. Again. I think it was terrible of that 
author Anita Loos, to say I had no inhibitions 
if she meant me and when she gets out here to 
Hollywood again I’m going to say to her, I’m 
going to say, 

“What do you mean no inhibitions?” 

Because I don’t know for sure except what 
I can guess about them because the dictionary 
Max gave me got all spoiled. We had a party 
here one night and somebody spilt some gin- 
15 


An Open Letter to My Public 

gerale that wasn’t quite pure on it so all the 
printing got scorched and now you can’t read a 
word of it, so the dictionary is no good except 
for decoration. Anyhow, I’m sure I’ve got 
lots of inhibitions because no girl could get as 
far as I’ve got and everything unless she had 
lots of everything including class. 

P.S. Once More. I almost forgot to tell 
you that the name of the Bond Salesman is 
Jacob Bates Abbott. 


16 


CHAPTER I 


TO PARIS BY WAY OF NEW YORK AND A BOAT 




CHAPTER I 


TO PARIS BY WAY OF NEW YORK AND A BOAT 

Hollywood. 

Listen! You’ll never believe it. Listen, I’m 
going to Paris. I don’t mean maybe, I mean 
Paris, France. Because Mr. Goldberg says 
every artist, especially one in the motion pic- 



“MR. GOLDBERG . . . 

SEEMED TO THINK I OUGHT TO GO TO PARIS . . 


tures should see Paris. No actress is ever quite 
educated until she sees Paris, if you know 
what I mean. Paris does something to every- 

19 



















They Do Not 


one that nothing else can, and there you are. 
Anyway, Mr. Goldberg being my director here 
in the pictures seemed to think I ought to go 
to Paris and, of course, I think the way he 
thinks because that’s what I’m supposed to do, 
being a screen artist. 

It seems he’s going to Paris also, because 
going to Paris gives you so many new ideas, 
and if there is one thing a motion picture 
director needs it’s lots of new ideas, even if 
he has to pay someone to think them up for 
him. So that’s why I’m going to Paris. Of 
course, I’m just crazy to go to Paris. Every¬ 
body is once. Besides, I met a boy once who 
wrote a book called Sweeter Piffle, or some¬ 
thing, and after I’d met him I bought his book 
because he said he’d write his name in it. 

I think it’s the duty of any girl who wants 
to get anywhere in pictures to keep up on the 
current authors because you never can tell 
when they might come out here to Hollywood 
and begin writing for the screen like every¬ 
body else. Anyway, this book was all about 
Paris because a friend of mine who borrowed 
it told me so and ever since then I’ve wanted to 
see Paris. I mean I’d heard of Paris before but 
not so intimately. 


20 


They Do Not 

Well, anyway, after Max told me I was to 
spend three weeks in Paris to get the French 
atmosphere, I got so excited I didn’t know 
what to do, so I just didn’t do anything except 
kiss Max, which seemed to tickle him to death, 



MAX 


but of course any man as old as Max is likes 
to have a little attention now and then and of 
course when I’m not romping around the lot 
I’m paying a lot of attention to Max, which any 

21 






They Do Not * 


girl with my ability should do for her director. 

Right after lunch I called up Donald Ogden 
Stewart, who knows a thing or two about Paris 
for it seems when he’s not out here in Holly¬ 
wood writing motion pictures he’s writing 
travel books and getting them published. Of 
course, I ought to buy them but what’s the 
use of buying an author’s books when he lives 
right in the same hotel I used to live in? Well, 
I asked Don to tell me a thing or two about 
Paris, and listen, you’ll never believe it, but 
what he told me about Paris can’t go through 
the mails or I’d write you everything, because 
you can’t tell when letters from a girl with 
my ability might fall into wrong hands, so I 
always watch my step. Because, you know 
what happened to me that time I wrote some 
letters to George and said the things I thought 
I felt but didn’t and his wife got them. A girl 
can’t get far if the Sunday papers go on say¬ 
ing things like they said about me with pic¬ 
tures, even if she is a screen artist. 

So we’re starting for New York next week. 


22 


They Do Not 


New York. 

Well, here I am in New York again, and 
you 11 never believe it, but the first person I 
ran into almost was Ralph Barton. 

He said, “How are you, Luella?” 

And I said, “How are you, Ralph?” and 
then we shook hands and went and had lunch. 

Ralph always knows about the newest 
places ever since he got running around with 
Nikita Balieff and the rest of that Russian 
Chauve-Souris crowd. 

So I just said, “Ralph, I’ll leave it to you.” 
And I did. 

So we went up to a new place on Lexington 
Avenue run by Adolph Buchler. It’s all in 
black and white and looks awfully swell 
including the people that go there. Adolph 
has gone in for Danish cooking, so we had a 
Danish lunch which wasn’t half bad, seeing as 
how it was foreign. Then they dragged in a lot 
of French pastries and I ate three. I told 
Ralph that since I was going to Paris I might 
just as well begin at once to cultivate every¬ 
thing French even if I did have to begin with 
pastries. 

So then I took another one because when a 
girl with my ability is on her vacation going to 
23 


They Do Not 

Paris, she don’t have to worry what happens 
to her hips. 

Then the young Mexican cartoonist that 
everybody that is anybody has been raving 
about came in. His name’s Miguel Covarru- 
bias. Ralph introduced him to me as they 
work on the same paper together with 
Steichen, the photographer, which is run by 
Conde Nast on Forty-fourth Street, so of 
course they are all friendly. I suppose you’re 
beginning to wonder how I know so much but 
listen, you’ll never believe it, a girl in my 
position has to know a lot or she’ll never get 
where she is if the critics can help it. 

Then just as I was reaching for a sugared 
mint-leaf, in came Charles Hanson Towne and 
listen, you’ll never believe it, Charlie, when I 
last knew him, was not what you’d call a well- 
dressed man but he’s changed so since he dis¬ 
covered Cruger’s or Cruger’s discovered him. 

Well, then who should blow in but Glenn 
Hunter? You could have knocked me over 
with a feather duster. 

He said, “Hello, Luella.” 

I said, “Hello, Glenn.” 

And then we shook hands and began to talk 
about Hollywood, because everybody in Holly- 
24 


They Do Not 

wood is crazy about Glenn ever since he did 
“Merton of the Movies” in the pictures and 
now he’s doing another play and he told me all 
about it’s being the story of an English school 
boy called “Woodley,” and of course, every¬ 
body is crazier than ever. 

Then Ralph took me back to the hotel 
which is the Algonquin, because Max thought 
a girl of my ability ought to stay there and, of 
course, I always think the way he thinks 
because he’s my director and that’s what I’m 
supposed to do. Besides, everybody that is 
anybody stays at the Algonquin as long as they 
can afford it. So, of course, I can afford it 
since Max Goldberg is my director. Because, 
if you’re seen in the Algonquin you’re sure to 
get into the public’s eye sooner or later, which 
Max seems to think ought to be cultivated by 
a girl with my ability. 

So I said Goodbye to Ralph Barton and he 
said he’d see what he could do about getting 
one of his drawings of me in a magazine called 
the New Yorker , which everybody reads who 
don’t live in New York, which ought to be 
popular because all the fans love to see their 
favorite actresses in the papers, when they 
don’t live in. New York. 

25 


They Do Not 

Listen, you’ll never believe it, but I’d just 
got my lip-stick half way out when who should 
I run into but Konrad Bercovici? 

He said, “Hello, Lu.” 

I said, “Hello, Konrad,” and then we shook 
hands and talked a lot about Hollywood 
because he’s awfully democratic even if he 
wasn’t born in America. 

By that time it was time to have tea so we 
went into the next room which is filled with 
the cutest red and black furniture and had 
orangeade with nothing else in it. 

Well, just as I was having my last orange¬ 
ade, I looked up and who do you suppose I saw 
leaving the room with his wife that used to be 
Ruth Gordon and still is? Nobody less than 
Gregory Kelly. I used to know him awfully 
intimately when he was playing at the Booth 
Theatre in “Seventeen” and I was connected 
with the same company in the box-office. But 
that was before George’s wife got her divorce 
and all my letters got published in the Sunday 
papers and I got my first contract to go into 
the movies and show how much ability I really 
had because the movie people seemed to think 
that any girl who could get a string of pearls 
from George like the one I got from George 
26 


They Do Not 

had real ability. I guess they were right 
because I’m still in the movies and you’d be 
surprised what a lot of jewels and things 
friends give you when you’re a screen artist 
with my ability. 

Anyhow, the minute I saw him I rushed 
over and said, “Hello, Greg,” and he’s just as 
shy as ever. He tried to get out through the 
side door but I got there first. I was a little 
annoyed when he pretended not to remember 
me until I told him the name of my last pic¬ 
ture, but after that he got all excited so we 
shook hands. 

I said, “You call me Lu and I’ll call you 
Greg,” and then we talked all about Holly¬ 
wood because he’s not been there yet. 

So then he told me he was playing in a show 
called, “Butter and Egg Man,” but I forgot to 
ask him which part, but anyway he asked me 
to come around to the theatre because the 
show’s a hit. After that we said, “Goodbye.” 

Then I went back to find Konrad but I guess 
he got discouraged or had to write another 
book or something and went home. Anyway it 
was time to dress for dinner so I went upstairs 
and took a nap. 

Then Max came in and we got his flask and 
27 


They Do Not 


a taxicab and ended up at Ben Riley’s new 
place which is up toward Yonkers, right up 
Riverside Drive to the end and then out on 
Broadway till 230th Street, ^ind is called, 
Arrowhead Inn and is all Moorish besides. 

Right in the middle of the lobby stood the 
cutest Chrysler roadster for which you get a 
free chance with your Long Island Duckling 
for five dollars which is nothing at all when 
you consider this is New York where every 
girl spends every cent of money she can lay 
her hands on including her own salary. 

Then we got into another taxi and went for 
miles and miles and miles down Fifth Avenue 
and at last we came to the Neighborhood Play¬ 
house, because Max wanted to see a play 
called, “Daybreak” or something all about 
Jews, and Max said it was a good show and 
what’s the use of seeing any other kind when 
you’re in New York because in New York 
when a play is no good they pack it up and 
send it out to the coast. Well, I couldn’t make 
much out of the show because I’m not Jewish 
even if I am in the pictures. 

Anyway, Max promised to tell me what it 
all means when we get on the boat tomorrow 
if he’s sober. Max is nice that way, he always 
28 


They Do Not 

explains everything which certainly takes a 
weight off my mind. 

So I spent all my time looking at the audi¬ 
ence which certainly was smart if I do say so. 
Stuart Walker was there with Mrs. Richard 
Mansfield and Stark Young came in with Mor¬ 
gan Farley after the first act. Then Heywood 
Broun was there and Alexander Woollcott who 
is much thinner than when I used to know him 
well enough to call him by the first half of his 
first name. Ring Lardner was there too and I 
thought he was still out in California and so 
was Joseph Hergesheimer because if you see 
him once you can never forget it. Then Max 
pointed out George Jean Nathan and H. L. 
Mencken. I suppose you have heard of these 
literary gentlemen, because, it seems, they’re 
always fixing the world and everything. They 
both write lots of books together and sepa¬ 
rately but Max says the kind of books they 
write wouldn’t interest me, so I just leave it all 
to him because knowing me as he does, he 
knows the kind of a book I’ll read if I ever do. 

Well, after the show, who should I run into 
but Doug and Mary? I don’t know how I 
missed seeing them right at the beginning 
because nobody ever does. 

29 


They Do Not 


Anyway, I said, “Hello, Doug.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu,” and we shook 
hands, but we didn’t talk about Hollywood 
because we are all going to Paris. 

Well, then we got into another taxi because 
Max wanted to go back to the hotel to get his 
other flask because the one he had with him 
was empty and Max isn’t the kind of a man 
that goes around, even in New York, with an 
empty flask. I will say that for him. 

So then we went to Small’s which is the 
high spot of Harlem because everybody’s 
going to Harlem or Paris or somewhere these 
days. But I began to think I didn’t care so 
much about these night-clubs because nobody 
was there but a lot of Princeton boys and I 
didn’t know any of them so I got lower and 
lower but felt better after the waiter brought 
the ginger-ale. 

Then McKay Morris came in with a friend 
of his and Carl Van Vechten who is interested 
in all the poetry he can find around Harlem 
and John Weaver with Peggy Wood who mar¬ 
ried him. So things looked better. Then Elsie 
Janis blew in with some boy friends and her 
mother, and Elsie looks younger than ever. 


30 


They Do Not 

So I whispered to Max, “My God, how does 
she do it?” 

I said out loud, “Hello, Elsie.” 

And she said, “Hello, Lu.” 

Then we shook hands and began to talk 
about Hollywood but Elsie’s mother wanted 
to tell me all about the last time they were in 
Paris where they stopped at the Crillon, which 
is a hotel, and I just had to sit there and listen 
because Max told me once that it’s not polite 
to talk when somebody older is talking to you, 
and of course, Elsie’s mother is older than I 
am even if she won’t admit it. 

Then Porter Woodruff came in and the min¬ 
ute he saw me and my new Reboux hat, he said 
he wanted to make a drawing of me under the 
hat for Vogue magazine. Then he took out a 
pad of paper and kept on insisting and insist¬ 
ing about that drawing. 

So I said, “Go ahead,” and he did. 

But it’s awful how men keep pestering a 
girl of my ability and of course she has to let 
them have their way about things once in a 
while if she ever wants to get anywhere or 
jewelry. Then the place got noisy and I told 
Max that since we were going to Paris to get the 


31 


They Do Not 


artistic atmosphere, I didn’t think we ought 
to spend our time in a place like this. 

He said, “Keep your damn mouth shut.” 

After I’d thought it over for a while I made 
up my mind he was right because he knows all 
about the world and everything. So I did. 



Then listen, you’ll never believe it, but the 
place got noisier than ever so I took another 

32 













They Do Not 

little drink of gingerale which wasn’t quite 
pure. 

Then when it got so noisy you couldn’t hear 
a thing I heard some one yell, “Do your dance, 
they’re walking out on you.” 

So I got up and did that cute little Charles¬ 
ton Arthur Murray taught me but I must of 
tripped on something, anyway, the next thing 
I knew we were in a taxi going down Fifth Ave¬ 
nue and it was daylight so I opened my eyes 
and asked Max what day it was and he told me 
it was Wednesday and that we had to catch 
our boat for Paris, France, at twelve o’clock. 
But I’m not as crazy about the night-clubs as I 
used to be because they don’t seem to amount 
to much since the Prince of Wales went home. 

Well, I suppose you’ll think I’m a regular 
“I knew him when-er” but a girl of my ability 
has to keep up with everybody and her danc¬ 
ing. The next time you hear from me I’ll be 
setting my feet in Paris so I’ll tell you about 
how artistic it is if I don’t get time to write on 
the boat. 

On the Ocean. 

Well, here I am in the middle of the Atlan¬ 
tic Ocean but as there are lots of us, it is not 
as lonesome as it sounds. Anyway, it’s a lovely 
33 


They Do Not 


boat and my God, it’s big. I hope Max don’t 
get it into his head to have it taken out to Hol¬ 
lywood for a picture because if he does what 
chance have I got? It used to be a transcript 
or something in the war but I never knew much 
about the war, besides some officers and a 
second Lieutenant, except what Conrad Nagel 
told me because he used to be a sailor and had 
to pound a typewriter all through the war 
which I think was awful because what’s the 
use of getting all dressed up in a sailor-suit if 
you’ve got to run a typewriter instead of a 
boat? 

Listen, you’ll never believe it, but I’m a 
little disappointed because I always thought 
Paris, being as artistic as it is, was very exclu¬ 
sive, but so far as I can see, everybody seems 
to be going to Paris. I don’t know where they 
are going to put us all when we get there. 
Then besides, I got sick the first day I spent on 
this boat. 

Max said to me, “How do you feel, girlie?” 

I said, “Don’t talk to me, I think I’m 
dying.” But I didn’t. 

So Max had half a dozen cases of cham¬ 
pagne sent down to our suite and right away I 
felt better because just to look at so much 
34 


They Do Not 


expensive Champagne, right under her own 
bed, makes any girl see how much ability she 
really has. But I told Max I didn’t know every¬ 
body had to go through this to set her feet in 
Paris. I said I’d just as soon set my feet any 
old place where there was less water and more 
trees. 

But the next day after one of the cases of 
champagne was gone I felt better and went 
upstairs and sat down in a chair with my feet 
up. 

Then the man next to me said, “Good morn¬ 
ing!” 

I looked up and right there close enough 
for me to touch him was a preacher or some¬ 
thing because he had his collar on backwards 
and I knew it wasn’t Mr. Belasco because I 
used to know David well when I was at the 
Booth Theatre in the box-office and was trying 
to get a job from him as an actress. But that 
was before George gave me the string of pearls 
and the Marmon and all my letters got into the 
Sunday papers with pictures and, of course, 
until then nobody really knew how much 
ability I had. So you can’t blame David. 

Anyway, I yawned and said, “Good morn¬ 
ing.” 


35 



















They Do Not 

Then he said, “Pleasant, isn’t it?” 

Well, I didn’t see any use of starting an 
argument so I said, “Yes.” 

And then we talked all about Hollywood 
without shaking hands or anything. So he 
asked me if Hollywood was really full of sin 
and I told him it wasn’t since I left. 

That seemed to worry him because he 
turned out to be a bishop. It’s a good thing for 
a girl with my past to live up to to have a 
Bishop among her friends, if she don’t give 
mixed parties, so I asked him if he didn’t think 
a little extra dry champagne would make him 
feel better and after he’d looked up and down 
the deck several times he said he thought it 
would. So then we went to my suite and had a 
bottle of Champagne. After that I got friendly 
and told him all about myself and how I was 
going to Paris to cultivate all the art over there. 
He seemed awfully interested and said there 
was some beautiful churches in Paris and he 
hoped I’d go to all of them. 

So I said, “My God, what’s the use of going 
clear to Paris to go to church when you can do 
that right in Hollywood, if you can find one 
to go to.” 

That seemed to hurt his feelings so we had 
37 


They Do Not 


another bottle of Champagne. Then he told 
me all about himself, which wasn’t very inter¬ 
esting because he’d never had any divorces or 
anything. 

By that time it was time to have another bot¬ 
tle of Champagne. Then I told him a little 
more about myself and when I saw tears in his 
eyes I thought we’d better have another bottle 
of Champagne. So we had two. And then he 
told me all about his mother, which was very 
sad, because any man with a mother who made 
him read all the time must of had a sad life. 

Well, by that time we were both so down 
that I felt it was time for just one more drink 
but somehow we lost count. After that he took 
my hand and listen, you’ll never believe it, he 
told me he loved me. I was so surprised I 
almost slid off the bed. Besides, when I woke 
up, it was the next day. 

By the time I got into my clothes I thought 
I’d go up and see how the Bishop and the 
climate was. There’s one thing nice about 
being on a boat, you get lots of climate from all 
sides and it’s very refreshing. Well, when I 
got to my deck-chair, the Bishop wasn’t there. 
A woman in a Queen Mary hat and a bunch of 
chins was sitting in his place but I noticed that 
38 


They Do Not 

her diamonds were extra large so I decided to 
overlook the face and be friendly which is a 
thing everybody is supposed to be when they’re 
all on one boat in the middle of the ocean 
where you can’t get off even if you want to. 

So I leaned over and said, “Would you mind 
lending me a smear of your lipstick?” 

Listen, you’ll never believe it, but that 
woman just dropped her flock of chins a half 
inch and let things come out of her mouth that 
no lady even with a face like hers should even 
think of, let alone say out loud. Well, I 
couldn’t make out why she had it in for me 
until I found out she was the Bishop’s wife 
and I guess maybe he talks in his sleep, if you 
know what I mean. So I just went down and 
drank a little Champagne to settle my nerves 
because a girl with my ability is awfully high- 
strung or she wouldn’t have it. Well, after a 
while I woke up and it was the next day. 

About lunch time Max showed up. I hadn’t 
seen him for days and had begun to think he’d 
fallen into the ocean or something but it 
turned out that he had been up in the smoking- 
room playing poker for high stakes and when 
a-man gets that way he’s just got to keep on 
going till he wins everything. Besides Max is 
39 


They Do Not 


awfully lucky at poker, especially when he can 
use a deck of cards he had made for himself 
last winter but, of course, I’m not supposed to 
tell anybody that because they might think he 
was crooked at cards and what people don’t 
know won’t hurt them if they don’t find it out. 

Well, Max was awfully good natured, for 
him, because he’s got everybody’s money on 
the boat and as this is not a small boat that’s 
enough to make any man happy. 

. So after we’d had a little champagne he 
took my hand and said, “Listen Girlie, I want 
the three weeks in Paris to be the happiest of 
your whole life.” 

And then I told him they certainly would 
be if I could have a ruby bracelet like the one 
Peggy Joyce got the last time she was in Paris 
and wears up near her elbow. 

Max laughed at that and told me he wanted 
me to get everything I could out of the cul¬ 
tured French people and atmosphere, because 
when we go back to Hollywood, he’s going to 
—listen, you’ll never believe it, he’s going to 
put me in a French picture. So that only 
shows what a lot my director thinks of me and 
my ability. He told me that with my looks and 
everything, and his brains full of a lot of new 
40 


They Do Not 


ideas and of French atmosphere, we could go 
back to Hollywood and put a kick into the 
whole motion picture industry which is some¬ 
thing if you take time to think about it. 

Well, after we’d had something to eat and 
drink and had talked over all of our plans in 
Paris arid everything, the time just flew away 
until the first thing I knew it was the next day 
which is today and now it’s almost time to get 
off the boat. So the next time you hear from 
me I’ll be in Paris with my feet on French 
soil and my director. 


41 














































































. 

































































• ' 











* 


















CHAPTER II 


PARIS IS FULL OF LIBERTY 

































- 










4 































CHAPTER II 


PARIS IS FULL OF LIBERTY 

Paris, at last. 

Here we are at Paris, France, and it’s too 
beautiful for any words I can think of just at 
present but will try to later. It seems Paris 
has everything except our lovely Hollywood 
sunshine which, of course, is always on my 
mind because that’s the way I make my living 
being a screen artist. 

Well, what’s the use if I don’t start from the 
beginning because I’m here to see Paris, 
France, inside out. That’s the only way 
anybody can get any atmosphere, I don’t care 
who she is. So then we got off the boat and 
into a train, anyway they call it a train, and 
pretty soon I picked up an acquaintance with 
a good looking young man who is also going 
to Paris and he gave me a lot of informa¬ 
tion, which is a good thing to have lots of in a 
foreign land. I’ll use it later on. Anyway, we 
came to a place called St. Lazare station and 
got off. That only goes to show how religious 
these French are because they name all their 
45 


They Do Not 


railroad stations after a saint. Maybe the 
Bishop was right, I suppose since I’m over 
here I ought to go to church once if I can get 
up in time. 

Then all over I saw signs which said, Lib - 
erte , Egalite , Fraternite , and as I don’t speak 
the French language yet I thought I might as 
well begin to learn because there are lots of 
things you can’t begin too soon. So I asked 
Max about the signs and he told me it meant 
Liberty. It seems there’s more Liberty in Paris 
than anything else excepting artistic atmos¬ 
phere. So then we rode in a taxi and, say, Lib¬ 
erty is all right in its place but in a French taxi 
it can be overdone. I began to think we’d 
never get anywhere alive. 

Well, we went down the Rue de la Paix 
till we came to a building. Max said it was 
the Ritz Hotel, so naturally I got out. It didn’t 
take me long to find out that anybody who 
pretends to be anything if she’s got a good 
contract or a friend or something, always stops 
at the Ritz except a few of us because Mary 
and Doug told me they were going to stop at 
the Crillon and Charlie Chaplin told me once 
that he always stops at Claridge’s but then 
he don’t care for Paris so what can you 
46 


They Do Not 

expect! Gloria Swanson goes to the Plaza- 
Athenee. But I like it here because right 
in front of us is the Place Vendome which has 
a monument which quite a famous man called 
Napoleon put up there when he wasn’t fight¬ 
ing or anything. And right around the corner 
is the Tuileries and the Rue de la Paix and 
from the sound of them they ought to have 
lots of artistic atmosphere because I’ve heard 
so many people speaking of them. 

Well, anyhow, I’d hardly got through the 
swinging doors of the Ritz when, listen, you’ll 
never believe it, I bumped right into A1 Jolson. 

So I said, “Hello, Al.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu,” and “When did 
you get over?” 

So I asked him over what and he introduced 
me to a whole bunch of his friends because a 
man who is as famous as Al is and can sing 
besides always has a flock of friends. So we 
met Gilbert White and Gil Boaz and William 
Hogg and Jack Dean, who is married to Fanny 
Ward, and Jo Davidson, who is an artist even 
if he does look like a man, and Clifford Har¬ 
mon and Dana Pond. 

Then it was time for a cocktail. It’s always 
time for a cocktail over here because in Paris 
47 


They Do Not 


there is so much Liberty that everybody 
including automobiles can go as fast as they 
please without the police stopping them. 

Then Harry Lehr joined us. It seems that 
ever since he got tired of Newport, Rhode 
Island, he has lived in Paris, France, and 
because he knows so much he told us a lot of 
things. That’s how we happened to find out 
that Margot Asquith and Dame Melba and 
Dollie Wilde, who is a niece of Oscar Wilde 
who used to write plays, and even the Grand 
Duchess Marie of Russia were stopping here 
and tomorrow Elinor Glyn and even Queen 
Marie who lives over in Roumania is coming 
to stop here. 

So I said, “My God, think of us all under 
the same roof.” 

By that time Max decided there was no use 
starting right out to see Paris when we had 
come so far and could sit right down and drink 
cocktails shaken by Frank Meyer who is the 
best shaker in the world including a friend of 
Max’s that works in London at a place called 
the Savoy Hotel. So we sat and drank cock¬ 
tails and the first thing I knew I was in our 
suite and it was the next day and time to get 

up- 


48 


They Do Not 

So as it was almost noon I decided that a girl 
with my ability and everything can’t always be 
shutting herself away from the world because 
I feel it is our duty to give happiness to as 
many people as can see us if they don’t crowd 
too much. Then I had a bite to eat. After 
that I decided to try and find the place the 
good looking boy on the train had told me 
about. Because if you can make lots of con¬ 
nections that’s the best way to see Paris. 

Before I started out I tried to find Max but 
after a thorough search all over including a 
long hall near the tea-rooms that is filled with 
naughty French undies and pajamas, I gave 
it up. But it was not long before I made up my 
mind that he was out looking up ideas or play¬ 
ing poker or something because there are so 
many things like that to do in Paris, France. 

Well, it seems that after Marshal Foch got 
through fighting the war and seeing America 
he came here to Paris and started a thing 
spelled Bienvenue Francaise and pronounced 
French Welcome. So I decided to find out 
about it right away because I was told that 
Prince Roland Bonaparte is vice-president and 
Baron Edouard de Rothschild is treasurer and 
Countess de Jouvenal is secretary so when a 
49 


They Do Not 


girl can get welcomed to Paris by a flock of 
titles like that she’s a fool if she don’t. 

Anyhow, the man at the front of the Ritz 
who looks like a king but isn’t, got a taxi for 
me. Right near the door I saw a lonesome 
looking old man. Being as I’m so kind-hearted 
I asked him to go with me which seemed to 
please him because he did. In a wink we came 
to 38 rue Faubourg-Saint-Honore, that means 
street, which only goes to show you how quick 
a girl with my ability can pick up this French 
language and everything if she only sets her 
mind to it. 

Right next door was the British Embassy 
because Mr. Chatham-Birt, only I call him 
Dickie, told me so and if anybody ought to 
know he ought to because he’s English even if 
he was born in Boston. 

Well, it was quite a nice place when you 
come to compare it with some of the smaller 
homes in Hollywood. Then right next door is 
the Allies’ Club which is the most distin¬ 
guished of anything in Paris because they 
always entertain all the famous foreigners, 
including Americans there. 

Mr. Chatham-Birt asked me right on the 
spot if I’d like to go and be entertained there 
50 


They Do Not 


and seeing as how it was so distinguished I said 
I would. So then I went up to see about the 
French Welcome but come to find out it’s only 
a place to ask questions if you want the 
answers to them and to get people to meet 
other people. After I’d looked around a bit 
I knew I’d never meet the kind of people a 
girl with my ability is expected to meet if I 
hung around that place, so I left. That good 
looking young man I met on the train must 
have been a Harvard Freshman, on . a Cook’s 
tour or something, because if he’d been any¬ 
thing else he would have had better sense than 
to send a girl like me to a place like that. 

Anyway I had Dickie and the Allies’ Club 
and you can’t expect everything on the first 
day even if it is Paris. 

By that time it was four o’clock and nobody 
ever misses going to the Ritz at four o’clock. 
So, listen, you’ll never believe it, till you’ve 
been in one, but my God, I thought that Taxi 
was going to fall all to pieces right under us 
before we got back to the Place Vendome and 
the Ritz and everything. But Dickie said all 
the taxis in Paris were like that so that’s how 
he happened to give me the car I’m using now 
with a chauffeur. Anyway, we went down- 
51 


They Do Not 


stairs and ordered tea and something. So 
everybody began to come in because Dickie 
knows them all. 

Jed Kiley who runs a place in Montmartre 



“. . . so that’s how he happened to give me 

THE CAR I’M USING NOW . . .” 


blew in and then blew out again. So did 
Colette because she writes for a magazine in 
American called Vanity Fair. And after that 
we had some more tea and everything. Then 
pretty soon Fredy Prince and Fredy Junior 
came in, but they weren’t together, and after 
that Jack MacVickar, who has more children 
than anybody else that counts. Then I saw that 
sweetest old gentlemen, Duke Richardson and 
52 


















They Do Not 

John R. Drexel but, you’ll never believe it, 
they didn’t see me. 

1 hen we had some more tea and everything 
and Bill Hurley came in. He’s a special agent 
of the Department of Justice back in the 
United States of America so being in safe 
hands I felt better. By that time I was feeling 
like nothing at all when in came Lou Hauser 
so he walked right over to where I was sitting 
and I met him and he met me and we were all 
at the same table which makes a lot of differ¬ 
ence in a place like Paris. 

Then lots of other people came in including 
Mr. Beekman who is a governor in Rhode 
Island which is back in America too, and 
Teddy Rousseau who runs the Guaranty Trust 
Company over here, Harold McCormick with 
Ganna Walska and Fritz Brookfield and after 
that I blinked harder than ever. So in came 
Sinclair Lewis who writes books which seem 
to sell and Tarn McGrew who was all dressed 
up in spats and Eddie Walskow who used to 
live out in Wyoming chasing cows but made 
his fame and fortune in the pictures like some 
of the rest of us, but I haven’t met him yet. 

By that time it was time to dress for dinner. 
Dickie said so. So we paid the bill and after 
53 


They Do Not 


he’d paid it he took out his watch and chain 
and gave it to the waiter which I thought was 
quite generous of him. 

After that I sent him home and called a 
waiter and an elevator boy to help me upstairs. 
So they did because they knew who I was 
besides knowing 1 was also a friend of Mr. 
Chatham-Birt and Max who pays most of the 
bills as he’s my director. 

Well, anyhow as soon as I was able to I got 
into a gown Paul Poiret sent me yesterday 
with a butterfly in front and nothing much 
behind it and sat down in a chair I happened 
to find and waited until the telephone rang. 
Then it did. So I woke up and answered it and 
then I put on my things and went downstairs 
and let everybody turn and look at me. After 
that I got into one of Dickie’s other cars which 
he hasn’t given me yet. So then we went around 
to Rue Faubourg-Saint Honore, which I have 
mentioned before, to the Union Interalliee, 
which is the Allies’ Club, only in French which 
makes it different. Listen, you’ll never believe 
it, but look how my French language im¬ 
proves. Anyhow, we met a great many dis¬ 
tinctive people including General Gouraud 
and Countess Tolstoy and Countess du Buat 
54 


They Do Not 


and heard somebody play on the harp three 
times not counting the encores. But after 
while everybody just sat around. 

So I said, so nobody could hear me, because 



DICKIE 


it’s not nice to be heard too often among dis¬ 
tinctive people, I said, “My God is this 
Paris?” 

And Dickie said, “Not very. Come with 
me.” 


55 



They Do Not 


That’s how it happened that I did. Then 
after we had gone for a long ride and every¬ 
thing we found ourselves in Montmartre which 
is really a part of Paris when you are in a car 
like the one I was in. So we got out and into 
a cafe in the Place Pigalle that is called The 
Abbaye de Theleme but as it wasn’t very 
lively we just had one bottle of champagne and 
got into our car again. 

So Dickie said for us to go to the Pre Cate- 
lan because it was Friday night and they 
always have the biggest times there on Friday 
night. So we went. We got a little booth 
upstairs and I looked downstairs and listen, 
you’ll never believe it, but I never saw so 
many jewels in my life. It almost made me 
wish I had a little more ability but then a girl 
can’t have everything when she’s still as young 
as I’m supposed to be. Fanny Ward was there 
and of course, she had on most of the jewels 
because she always does have. Besides there 
were so many Americans there that I began 
to feel right at home including Mrs. Fred¬ 
erick Havemeyer and Howard Sturges of New 
York City, America, and Freddy Bate and 
Spencer Eddy and Mortimer Schiff and Mar¬ 
quis Sommi de Piccinari who certainly knows 
56 


They Do Not 

how to wear a dress suit almost as well as 
Adolph Menjou. Then all of a sudden I saw 
Mr. Selwyn. 

I said, “Hello, Archie.” 

And he said, “Hello, Luella,” but we didn’t 
talk about Hollywood or anything because he 
was with Arthur Hopkins and Mrs. A1 Woods. 

But just the same I called out, “Have you 
signed up the Guitrys yet?” Because they are 
famous actors and have a lot of ability for 
actors as they write their own plays. 

Well, anyhow, I didn’t hear what he said 
because Irving Berlin came in and every one 
began yelling for him to sing. So he did and 
after that Gilda Gray and Pearl White and 
some other people turned up. So the party 
got gayer than ever and I danced on the table. 

Just as I was getting up this morning I hap¬ 
pened to run into Max so he asked me what I’d 
been doing since I landed in Paris. So I 
thought I’d better tell him everything except 
the automobile and chauffeur, so I did almost. 
Then he told me I ought to spend more time 
looking at all the buildings. 

I said, “My God, what’s the use looking at 
buildings when we’ve got them all the way 
from Hollywood to New York without anv 
57 


They Do Not 


cocktails or things anywhere unless you hap¬ 
pen to know how to get it.” 

He said, “Shut your damn mouth.” 

Well, after I had turned it over in my mind 
several times, I decided to let him do my think¬ 
ing for me because that’s the reason I get 
such a good salary and everything from Max 
Goldberg. 

Then he wrote down on a piece of paper 
and said for me to go there which was “Na¬ 
tional Tourist Information Bureau at 152 
Boulevard Haussmann.” Then after I got 
there I was to ask them a lot of questions and 
they would tell me the answers, if I asked the 
right kind of questions. 

So I went downstairs and saw a man look¬ 
ing at me so I smiled back. 

Then after a while we went in Tony’s car 
because he turned out to be a Count which is 
something, but I call him Tony because a girl 
with my ability from America is supposed to 
be democratic. So it turned out that he was 
French and had spent a great many years in 
Paris because he was born here, but he didn’t 
seem to know any more about the buildings 
than I did. So I went and asked a lot of ques¬ 
tions and Tony bought a little colored book, 
58 


They Do Not 


called, Plan de Paris par arrondissement 
which was very pretty. 

When we had finished doing that we went 
to the Cafe de la Paix, which is very handy 



“so I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND SAW A MAN LOOKING AT ME 
SO I SMILED BACK” 

because you can sit and look at the Opera 
which every one should see at least once while 
she’s in Paris with her director or somebody. 
Well, Tony is awfully well educated even if he 

59 





























They Do Not 


is a Count so when he wasn’t kissing my hand 
or making love to me, which is a thing you’ve 
got to expect in all these Frenchmen, he was 
telling me a lot of things which will be very 
useful when I get back to Hollywood. 

After that we started out to see what we 
were looking for. I’ll write it all out for— 
even if you haven’t got my ability and every¬ 
thing which got me to Paris, France—I’ll 
explain anything important so you can live 
with me in your mind’s eye. So we got into 
Tony’s car and went to a thing called Place 
de la Concorde, which is really quite pretty 
because it opens right into a wide street called 
Champs-Elysees, which is very famous every¬ 
where because it has trees in it and there was 
the Tuileries and the Louvre which I had 
heard about somewhere before and the Seine, 
meaning river in French, which girls with a lot 
of sin and no ability to get away with it, jump 
into because the motion pictures industry in 
Paris isn’t what it is at home. 

Well, Tony said this Place we were in had 
been just like this for over a hundred years. 
Imagine that! Except in the middle of it there 
used to be a guillotine. That’s where Marie 
Antoinette lost her head about something back 
60 


They Do Not 


in 1793. So having taken a good look at it we 
went into the Tuileries which was all planted 
for a King named Louis but I think Tony said 
he has been dead for some time now. Anyhow 
in the middle of it is quite a nice palace built 
by Katy de Medicis in 1570 which was many 
years ago as you can see by the date. She was 
a very clever girl for her time, it seems, even if 
she did have to build her own houses. So we 
went over to the Ministry of Marine but there 
weren’t any around. Anyway, it seems that 
before the King died he used to keep all his 
jewels in that building but they aren’t there 
now. I guess Fanny Ward has got most of 
them. Well, then I thought I’d seen enough 
buildings for one day. Besides I was hungry 
so Tony told me all about a little place called 
Ciro’s where he though he ought to be seen 
eating with a girl of my ability and everything 
because just the best people can afford to go 
there. 

So we went too and I’m glad of it. Ciro’s 
is on the rue Daunou, which everybody says is 
the most American street in Paris so I began 
to feel at home right away. Anyway we got a 
table near the bar which is the smartest place 
to sit. Tony ought to know if any one does. 

61 


They Do Not 


Well, I looked up and there was a black boy 
all dressed up in a Turkish costume and for a 
minute I thought I was back in Hollywood. 
But I wasn’t because I found out that he is 
part of the decoration and goes with the Turk¬ 
ish coffee in the little cups. So Joe who runs 
the bar made us a Bronx and then he made us 
another one. 

Then Florence O’Neil, who writes a lot, 
came breezing up and I was awfully glad 
because now it’ll get in all the papers and 
every one back in America will know I’ve 
arrived O.K. and be glad. 

Anyway, before Florry left we had some 
more Bronxs and then because he knows more 
stories than any one else in Paris, he told us 
some which I’ll tell you when I can say them to 
you and not write them because you never can 
tell what these authorities over here might do 
even if they are French and think more about 
Liberty than anything else. Then things 
started because Muriel Miles came in and if 
anybody knows how to wear clothes it’s 
Muriel. Pretty soon Captain Molyneaux came 
in with a Dolly sister on either arm and they 
were cuter than ever. They were followed by a 
lot of society like Anthony Drexel with Harry 
62 


They Do Not 

Lehr and Cornelia O’Connor and Eleanor 
McCarthy with Mrs. A1 Davis. Everybody 
important gets to Ciro’s. 

Then we ate but I couldn’t hear a thing 
because Lord Castlerosse with his cigar and a 
lot of Americans in the corner was making so 
much noise. I hope Tony didn’t say anything 
I missed. Well, then, listen, you’ll never 
believe it, I looked up and there was Mr. 
Goldwyn. 

I yelled, “Hello, Sam.” 

And he yelled, “Hello, Lu.” 

And I yelled back, “Fine, when did you 
get over?” because that’s what you’re sup¬ 
posed to yell at your friends here in Paris if 
you’ve got any to yell it to. 

He replied, “Let’s all have a drink on me.” 

So we marched over to the bar including 
Tony because he was so impressed by that 
time and had a drink on Sam. Only it turned 
out to be three. . 

For awhile we ate some more. Then a friend 
of Tony’s named Pierre came in and I was 
awfully glad to see him because I’d heard 
so much about him. Helen McDonald told 
me all about it. She used to work for Flo 
Ziegfeld but left him and came over here with 


They Do Not 


seven other girls to work in a show. But they 
got fired which wouldn’t have been so bad if 
it hadn’t been Christmas time and the poor 
girls didn’t have any place to go to but the 
Ritz. So this friend and a fellow who owns a 
paper or a bank or something over here and 
some boys named Lillaz turned the whole 
inside of a department store outside for the 
poor forlorn girls and it was wonderful. Helen 
doesn’t have to work any more except when 
she wants to. 

By that time we had finished our Turkish 
coffee and I just had to get back to the hotel 
or somewhere. 

Then as we were turning around the corner 
of Rue de la Paix, I happened to remember I 
needed some perfume from Coty who has the 
sweetest little drug store on the corner all full 
of perfumes and nothing else. Tony came in 
with me and after I’d found the most expensive 
bottle I could he paid for it without changing 
color very much which is something when you 
consider he’s a foreigner and a Count instead 
of an oil King or something profitable like 
that. 

By the time we got to the Ritz I found a 
note from Dickie, who was frightfully upset 
64 


They Do Not 

because I wasn’t there but a girl with my 
ability on a vacation for only three weeks can't 
afford to sit around waiting lor an old man in a 
hotel even if it is the Ritz. So I told Tony I 
was going to stay in and read all about the 
artistic buildings we’d seen after spending our 
afternoon together and then he kissed my 
hand a lot but I had got used to it by that time 
and didn’t mind much because the perfume 
Td selected was really worth it. So he’s com¬ 
ing tomorrow. 

Before I went upstairs, I looked around a 
bit and gave every one a good look at me. 
Then I went up because I didn’t see anything 
interesting enough to stay down for. 

After glancing at all my mail and telegrams 
on the table I decided that I was too busy to 
read anything because Max wasn’t there to 
read them to me. Pretty soon I took off my 
clothes and put on another one which isn’t 
much but a hook with a piece of ribbon sewed 
on it, so I covered the rest with powder. 

Anyhow, I was sure that if Dickie’s heart 
could stand as many cocktails as I’d seen in 
him it could stand that dress so I went ahead. 
Well, pretty soon the telephone rang and it 
was Dickie. When I got downstairs there he 
65 


They Do Not 


was back again with an emerald bracelet for 
me so naturally I was tickled to death to see 
both of them. 

After getting into his car we rode up a street 
called Avenue Alexandre III which was really 
quite nice till we came to a big building which 
Dickie told me was the Grand Palais where the 
salons are held but as he didn’t suggest stop¬ 
ping for a drink, I didn’t like to say anything 
especially after the bracelet. So we went for 
the long ride in the Bois de Boulogne which is 
very full of trees. After a long ride we came 
back to a place called Ledoyen and sat down 
near a fountain to eat just behind a place 
called Petit Palais. Well, nobody I knew 
turned up but the others looked all right. So 
I made up my mind to enjoy myself because a 
girl with my ability should enjoy anything 
that’s expensive. 

So when we’d finished another bottle of 
wine Dickie said he had two tickets for the 
Comedie Frangais. So we went because two 
tickets are two tickets. It turned out to be a 
theatre which is really very beautiful on the 
outside. Well, after we got inside the curtain 
was up and the scenery was rotten. Then a 
man in a white night-gown followed by a lot 
66 


They Do Not 

of fat women done up in the same way, only 
less, came in all talking at the same time so I 
couldn’t understand a word they said. I 
thought at first it was one of those naughty 
French bedroom farces like Avery Hopwood 
writes for Americans and Irene Bordoni. 

After we’d been in there for about fifteen 
minutes it suddenly came to me like a flash. 

So I turned to Dickie and I said, “My God, 
they’re talking French,” because nobody does 
much in Paris except one or two Americans. 

Then he said, “But it’s a Greek play and 
over a thousand years old.” 

Well, I nearly fell out of the box because 
even if Dickie is a little rheumatic with no hair 
to speak of except fuzz, I took it from the way 
he’d been acting that he had younger ideas 
than that. 

I told him I guessed he was right about its 
age because nobody was laughing at the jokes. 
You could have heard a pin drop anywhere. 

Anyway I said, “I think it’s a rotten show.” 

He seemed all mixed up about it and pretty 
soon he said he’d heard about a place he 
thought I’d like. As it turned out we ended 
at the Folies-Bergeres. Well, if Flo Ziegfeld 
ever saw that show he must have been green 
67 


They Do Not 


with envy. From all I could see, and Fm not 
exactly blind, those girls didn’t have enough 
clothes to put into your vanity case when it’s 
stuffed full with a powder-puff. Which only 
goes to show what an awful lot of Liberty there 
really is here in Paris. 

When the show was over we went up to 
Montmartre to a little place named after a 
rabbit, only in French. Besides, I saw a beauti¬ 
ful white building called Sacre-Cour on top of 
a big hill which only goes to show that any girl 
with my ability can see double if she keeps her 
mind wide open. 

So the whole place was lighted with candles 
and an old man with long hair was playing on 
a guitar and everybody was singing, “Pray for 
My Blonde” so far as I could make it out and 
seemed happy about it. So we had something 
called Anis, which is like castor oil but it 
tastes different. And then we had some more 
Anis. 

By that time everybody had to do a stunt so 
we had some more Anis and laughed our heads 
off. Listen, you’ll never believe it, but when 
it came my turn I jumped right up on the table 
without a ukelele or anything like that and 
sang: 


68 


They Do Not 

Down in front of Casey’s 
Old brown wooden stoop, 

On a summer evening 
We formed a merry group; 

Boys and girls together 

We would waltz and sing 

While the “Gin-nie” played the organ 

On the streets of old New York. 

East side, West side, all around the town, 

The tots sang “Ring-a-rosie” “London bridge is 
falling down”; 

Boys and girls together, me and Ma-mie O’Rourke, 
Tripped the light fantastic, on the side-walks of 
New York. 

Well, after that the whole place went crazy 
so Dickie was so happy he bought champagne 
for everybody. So after things had settled 
down we had some more several times by our¬ 
selves and then before we knew it another day 
was breaking in the East. I mean it was 
morning. 

Listen, you’ll never believe it, but when we 
got outside Dickie’s car was gone! I mean it 
wasn’t there. He just laughed and laughed 
and laughed, until I couldn’t do a thing with 
him but laugh myself, and then he laughed 
some more $nd said, when he could keep from 
69 


They Do Not 


laughing, he said never mind he’d get another 
one so by that time I began to suspect that 
maybe my song with his mixed drinks had 
gone to his head. But I didn’t say anything 
because anybody who is a lady in my position 
don’t like to mention anything like that if she 
keeps sober enough not to do so. 

Well, somebody got us a carriage with a 
horse at one end and as Dickie is not as young 
as he used to be a long time ago, I had to help 
him in but you’ll never believe this, the minute 
he got in one side he fell out of the other. By 
that time I began to believe in my suspicions. 
But pretty soon I got him seated and after I 
had dusted him off several times he was as 
good as new, considering his age, so it was all 
right. 

And then we started out. The cabby seemed 
to know just where we wanted to go much bet¬ 
ter than we did because we were singing and 
couldn’t stop to tell him. He was right because 
we ended up down in the market at Pere Tran¬ 
quil’s which is among a lot of carrots and cab¬ 
bages and was made famous by de Max who 
used to be a great actor till it killed him. Then 
everybody had onion soup. Inside everybody 
was singing songs and outside they were yell- 
70 


They Do Not 

ing “sale Bourgeois,” because everybody out¬ 
side really liked everybody inside. So what 
was the difference? 

So now I’ve lived one of the greatest tradi¬ 
tions in Paris because only the very best people 
get as far as Pere Tranquil’s and live to 
remember it. I never would have realized it 
however, if a very good looking boy who had 
pearls in his shirt hadn’t told me because 
Dickie was sound asleep by that time and 
couldn’t say anything. Anyway, the good 
looking boy seemed to know who I was because 
he’s going to call me up tomorrow. His name’s 
Freddy and for his age he’s very affectionate. 


71 






CHAPTER III 


PARIS IS REALLY WORTH THE TRIP 








CHAPTER III 


PARIS IS REALLY WORTH THE TRIP 

Paris, somemore. 

Well, the first thing I knew Tony was on the 
telephone and wanted me to spend the day 
with him him at Versailles which is full of his¬ 
tory and everything, but I didn’t feel like it so 
as it was Sunday I decided I was going to stay 
in bed so far as Tony is concerned. 

Then I had breakfast and Olivier brought it 
to me with his own hands because he is fond of 
me, otherwise he wouldn’t have because 
besides from being the head waiter he’s the 
whole cheese around the Ritz and knows every¬ 
body from the King of Spain to Irving Berlin. 
Everybody panders Olivier and he has more 
decorations from Kings and Queens and things 
than anybody living almost, except an English 
friend of John Pershing’s called Marshall 
Allenby. 

So I asked him about the Freddy I’d met 
and listen, you’ll never believe it, but Freddy’s 
father puts Rockefeller in the shade when it 
comes to cash. Why, his father, I mean 
75 


They Do Not 


Freddy’s father, has got so much money he has 
to send Freddy over here to Paris every year 
just to get rid of as much of it as he can and 
Freddy’s mother spends all her time giving 
money to charity just as fast as she can write 
the checks. So of course, any girl in my posi¬ 
tion and with all the ability I have is naturally 
interested in as much charity as possible. So, 
I got Olivier to call him up on the telephone 
because French telephones are awfully compli¬ 
cated until you get used to them and I’m not 
going to live here long enough to get used to 



“but I GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN SAYING IT TO HIS VALET” 

French telephones. Nobody from America 
ever does. He has a suite at the hotel Mary 
Garden always stops at called the Princess. 

76 






They Do Not 

So then, after quite a long while, I talked 
to him over the telephone and said sweetly, 
“Good morning,” and he said something but I 
guess he must have been saying it to his valet 
or somebody because I’m sure I wasn’t sup¬ 
posed to hear. 

Then I told him I was the girl he met at 
Pere Tranquil’s early this morning, but it took 
him sometime to remember because it always 
takes anybody with as much money as Freddy 
has some time to remember anything, because 
they’re bound to have a lot of things on their 
mind. Then I told him I had a table for two 
at the dinner-dance at the Ritz. He said he’d 
be here because everybody who is anybody 
always goes to the Ritz dinner-dances when 
there’s room because there’s never any room 
unless you’re a King or a Queen or a good 
friend of Olivier’s. Besides it’s such a good 
way to spend a lot of money that I thought it 
ought to interest Freddy. After that I got 
dressed. 

Well, when I was all through I sat down in 
a chair and thought about it. After I’d thought 
about it for a long time I decided that maybe 
the Bishop was right and that I ought to go 
out and see at least one church while I was 
77 


They Do Not 


over here. Someday somebody might ask me 
about it because when you get home somebody 
is always asking you about something. At 
least that’s been my experience and I’ve had 
quite a lot in one thing and another for a girl 
who is as young as I’m supposed to be. 

As I was sitting there thinking some more 
about it, Dickie called up, from downstairs, so 
I thought since I was going out to see a Church 
I might as well go with him as anyone. That’s 
how Dickie happened to get up. Well, he 
looked a little worse for wear but otherwise he 
was all right. Listen, you’ll never believe it, 
but among other things he brought me was a 
string of pearls which were rather nice even if 
they were small, and a perfectly heavenly 
square emerald in a ring. I told him that I 
ought to always wear emeralds to go with his 
complexion. Well, after all that he got so 
excited I thought he was going to propose to 
me or something, but he didn’t so I was 
pleased. 

When a girl has gone through all I have 
it makes me sad to see an old man of eighty 
making a fool of himself. I was so worried I 
forgot to ask him if he’d found his car for 
quite a while. He didn’t but he said never 
78 


They Do Not 

mind he’d get another car. So we went down¬ 
stairs and had to take a taxi because I just had 
to tell Max about my car and he’s been out in 
it ever since with the chauffeur. 

So Dickie said, “What church do you want 
to see?” 

I said, “God knows.” 

But the taxi-cab driver did, and that’s how 
we got started or we’d be sitting out in front of 
the Ritz yet. But I never mind how long I sit 
in a taxi-cab so long as the motor is going. 

So we went through a place called Parc 
Monceau and came to a church. I found out 
afterward that it was a Russian Church. I 
wondered at the time what was the matter 
because as it turned out our driver spoke Eng¬ 
lish and you never know how these foreign 
taxi-drivers are going to take a thing. So he 
drove us across to a place called Chapelle 
Expiatoire and told us all about it. 

It seems that the place used to be a kitchen 
garden for a monk but of course it’s been 
cleaned up considerably since then. Well, 
some great things have gone on here because 
when a King named Lewis and Marie Antoi¬ 
nette £ot married they had a lot of fireworks in 
the Place de la Concorde, that swell place I 
79 


They Do Not 


wrote you about in front of the Hotel Crillon 
where Elsie Janis always stays if her show’s a 
success. Anyhow, a lot of people blew up 
along with the fireworks so they brought them 
over here and buried them. Then twenty-two 
years later a thousand Swiss Guards who stuck 
up for. Mary Antoinette down in the Tuileries 
got blown up also. Anyway, they got buried 
here too and some other famous people like 
Manon Roland, Charlotte Corday, Du Barry, 
Lucile Desmoulins and Danton. Well, I don’t 
know how much longer that taxi-driver might 
have kept on talking if I hadn’t looked at poor 
Dickie. He was greener than ever. 

So I said, “My God, I don’t want to visit a 
graveyard even if it is Sunday.” 

That’s how we happened to drive away 
after we’d bought lots of postcards from the 
concierge because that’s the only way you can 
get out with any dignity. 

Anywav, I thought I’d die because that 
driver had one eve on us and one eye on his 
wheel and a taxi-driver in Paris is bad enough 
when he has both of his eyes on the wheel. So 
he said he knew all about a place called Sainte- 
Chapelle which he thought we’d like. Bv that 
time we were skimming past the Opera but I 
80 


They Do Not 

didn’t pay much attention because I’d seen it 
once before from a chair in a cafe. 

Then we went by something Gothic called 
Tour Saint-Jacques which looked wonderful 
from all I could see with Dickie holding my 
hand and everything. So we went to a place 
called Place du Chatelet where a man named 
Moliere, who, it seems, is quite famous over 
here because he wrote plays for Cecile Sorel to 
act in. Anyway he was put in prison because 
he couldn’t pay his debts like everyone else 
who writes plays except George M. Cohan who 
makes his living dancing. Well, it turned out 
that the driver brought us here to show us the 
Theatre Sarah Bernhardt because she was a 
famous actress even as far away as America. 

But as I’d started out to see a church I 
made up my mind I was going to see one and 
when I make up my mind I always do it unless 
Max Goldberg changes it for me. 

I said, “Take us to the best church you’ve 
got in Paris and let us have a look at it.” 

So he did. We went to a place called lie de 
la Cite which, after all, is only an island in 
the Seine which is a river. I wrote you about 
it. Well, it seems that before there were any 
Christians in the world Paris was a hick town 
81 


They Do Not 


on this little island. But he wanted us to take 
a look at a big church called Notre-Dame, so 
we did, because it was right there in front of 
us which was very handy. Then he told us all 
about it. 

Napoleon seems to have been very popular 
over here so he came to Notre-Dame to be 
crowned and brought a girl named Josephine 
along with him. Marie Antoinette used to 
come here and a King named Henry, who was 
number IV and Mary Stuart and the brothers 
of Jeanne d’Arc, a girl who was burned to 
death because she saved France from the Eng¬ 
lish for the American tourists, and Victor 
Hugo, who I’d heard about because Lon 
Chaney did one of his stories out in Holly¬ 
wood. Lots of other famous people besides me 
have been coming to Notre-Dame ever since 
because they’ve had eight hundred years to 
do it in and I only have three weeks. Besides 
eight hundred years is an awful lot of history. 

By that time my head was so full of it I 
couldn’t think of anything else because it 
ached. So then I asked our taxi-driver how he 
knew so much about it and it turned out that 
he knew so much about it because he used to 
be a professor in a place called the Sorbonne, 
82 


They Do Not 

which seems to have been a college, and had 
written some books besides. Anyhow, he 
wants to retire to the country. The French 
country is full of taxi-drivers because all they 
have to do is to get six American tips and live 
forever. 

So the driver thought we ought to see the 
Odeon which is a very famous theatre for it’s 
size. By that time my head was so full of his¬ 
tory that I didn’t care where we went because I 
thought a drink might help. So we went to 
Foyot across from the Luxembourg Gardens 
down the street from the Pantheon which is 
really very famous even if we didn’t go to see 
it. 

Well, then we had some Anis and then we 
had some more. Then after awhile we had 
some more Anis and so the taxi-driver came 
and found us and put us hack in the taxi and 
closed the door. By that time all the history 
was out of my head and I felt much better. So 
I took a good look at the Odeon because Dickie 
was asleep and as he was up late last night I 
didn’t want to wake him up. A man his age 
ought to get as much sleep as he can in Paris 
whenever it’s possible. 

So the driver told me all about a girl who 
83 


They Do Not 


lived on rue de Conde around the corner. As 
I’d heard quite a few things about her before I 
was very glad to get some first hand informa¬ 
tion. I guess if there’s anything the taxi- 
drivers in Paris don’t know about it’s only 
because it hasn’t been done yet. Well, it all 
happened back in the days which were before 
the year I was supposed to be born in. Any¬ 
how, this girl’s name was Camille and she 
used to live down this way so she could stroll 
through the Luxembourg Gardens, if you 
know what I mean. Well, it seems that every¬ 
body including an actor named Deburau, who 
was famous even in those days when there 
weren’t as many newspapers as there are now, 
went crazy about her. So she took an apart¬ 
ment uptown. Well, after awhile she made a 
fool of herself and fell in love with a fellow 
named Armand. You’ll never believe it, but 
instead of using her ability on the stage she 
went out in the country to live with Armand in 
the fresh air. After that her father-in-law, 
only of course he wasn’t, made Armand come 
back to town. So of course, it was just curtains 
for her. It was awfully sad. 

So I decided that I’d looked at enough his¬ 
torical places for one day even if it was Sun- 
84 


They Do Not 

day. Anyway, I had a date with Freddy and a 
girl who is as high-strung as I am can’t get 
herself all tired out when she has a date with 
a boy like Freddy. 

By that time Dickie was making a frightful 
commotion through his nose. I just can’t 
stand a commotion through anybody’s nose, so 
I woke him up and told him it was time we had 
some tea. So away we went across a bridge 
and pretty soon we were going up the Champs- 
Elysees, which is the street with all the trees 
in it I wrote you about. By that time we’d 
come to the Bois de Boulogne. So then we 
stopped at a place in the Avenue des Acacias. 
Everybody who is anybody always does be¬ 
cause they can have tea right under the trees 
and see each other talk about things. There 
seems to be a lot of things to talk about in 
Paris, France, because there is so much Lib¬ 
erty and a great many people take advantage 
of it. 

Well, there was Cecile Sorel out with Count 
Guyon de Segur who seems to be quite famous 
because he is related to Napoleon who seems 
to have been popular over here. And it seems 
Cecile Sorel played a part called Camille which 
is all about that girl I told you about which is 
85 


They Do Not 


a coincidence because I would have seen them 
both on the same day if the other one hadn’t 
lived before I was even born. But then any¬ 
thing can happen in Paris. 

At another table sat Micheline Seres who 



. . AND I’VE COT TO HAVE ONE TOO IF IT CAN BE DONE IN 
THREE WEEKS . . 


made Belgium (which I remember quite dis¬ 
tinctly because everybody had to talk about it 
during the war) famous because she is so 
beautiful. Then Pearl White drove by in a 
Hispano and I’ve got to have one too if it can 
be done in three weeks because I won’t be 
here any longer. Listen, you’ll never believe 
it, in came Gloria Swanson with her brand new 

86 
























They Do Not 

husband, Marquis Henri de la Falaise de la 
Coudraie. 

So I said, “Hello, Gloria.” 

And she said, “Hello Lu.” 

So I shook hands with the new husband 
because she said, “Shake.” And I was glad to 
meet him because his uncle is the man who 
put the three stars on all the Hennessy bottles. 

Henri used to be secretary for Forrest 
Halsey the continuity man for the Paramount 
outfit so we had a lot in common to talk about. 
Anyway, it wasn’t long before I began to feel 
I was right back in Hollywood instead of away 
off in a foreign land because a lot of people I 
knew came in besides—Betty Blythe and 
Parker Reed and Rex Ingram and Joe Schenck 
and Norma Talmadge and Sessue Hayakawa 
who doesn’t count because he lives over here 
all the time now and speaks their language. 

Anyhow, we were in fine company which is 
one good reason for coming to Paris even with¬ 
out the buildings because Henri pointed out 
some of his friends which sounded like the 
Social Register which is a book you can write 
your name in if your father was anybody in a 
war or something, except the union. Well, my 
mother could never remember quite who my 
87 


They Do Not 


father was, so that’s how I had to get famous 
for my ability alone. Well, there sitting right 
under the same trees with us, was Princess 
Cito-Filomarino di Betto, which is a real name 
even if it don’t sound like it, and Mrs. James 
M. Reynolds talking to James Hazen Hyde and 
Mrs. Helen Gwynne who is even related to 
Mrs. Cornelius Vanderbilt in America and 
Countess de Graffenreid who used to be Doro¬ 
thy Gould until she got a title for herself. 

By then it was time to go back to the hotel 
to get ready for dinner and Freddy. Well, I 
told Dickie I was going out with Freddy that 
night and couldn’t go out with him. He swore 
an awful lot for a man of his age. It seems that 
Dickie knows all about Freddy including his 
family because they both belong to the same 
Night-club or another one. The tea or some¬ 
thing must have gone to Dickie’s head because 
after he was through swearing he began all 
over again and when he got through the second 
time he took my hand and said, “You poor, 
dear girlie.” So I just laughed. That must 
have made him mad. 

Anyway, he yelled right out loud, “Luella, 
why can’t you be good?” 

No girl with my ability will stand for a man 
88 


They Do Not 

yelling at her the way he yelled at me, unless 
he’s her director. 

So I just turned and looked Dickie right 
square in the eye and I said, “Good? Good? 
Say listen, Grandpa, I’m good for another fifty 
years.” 

Well, when we got to the Ritz and got out 
of the taxi I noticed, because I’m always so 
observing about little things, that Dickie gave 
our driver enough to keep him and his whole 
family besides out in the country forever, and 
when he got through giving away all his money 
he took off his gold cuff links and a pearl stick 
pin out of his tie and gave them to the driver 
too. Then he began to take off his clothes but 
I thought that was too charitable, especially 
out in front of the Ritz, so I asked him to wait 
until he got back in the taxi, so he did. Right 
there and then I decided that if Dickie was so 
kind and charitable and everything toward 
everybody he met I might just as well give him 
as much of my time as possible considering all 
I had to do while I was in Paris. 

Then I told him what a perfectly lovely 
afternoon I’d had and that I honed I’d see him 
real soon and that I was terribly fond of dia¬ 
monds, especially if they had platinum set- 
89 


They Do Not 


tings. My saying so seemed to please him 
like everything for I suppose any man likes his 
girl friends who are as young as I’m supposed 
to be to have the good taste I have. 

Then I went upstairs and got into the most 
comfortable lowest dress I could because if 
Freddy was half what I’d heard about him, 
including his family, I wanted him to know 
that my heart was in the right place. Listen, 
when I saw myself in the glass I looked just 
like a Eric von Stroheim production, if you 
know what I mean. 

Well, then Freddy turned up and I will say 
the boy has no inhibitions and is good looking 
besides. So after awhile we went downstairs. 
And there we all were, Society with a big S 
because there was a little fellow who used to 
be a King, besides Harry Lehr and Berry Wall 
and the Marquis de Castellane and Andre de 
Fouquieres who everybody says is the best 
dressed man in France. Anyway, he looks it. 
Well, there I was with titles and things on 
every side of me including the Princess de 
Polignac, the Duchess d’Ayen, the Marquise 
de Breteuil, Countess de Lesseps, Countess 
Jacques d’ Aramon and the Marquis de Cham- 


90 


“BECAUSE IF FREDDY WAS HALF WHAT l’D HEARD ABOUT HIM, 
INCLUDING HIS FAMILY, I WANTED HIM TO KNOW 
MY HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE” 







■r. 


* ' <v> 1 

m&m : 


Wt/r/jj 



















They Do Not 

brim just to mention a few of them including 
myself. 

Then I saw Mr. Harmon and I said, “Hello, 
Cliff.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

So after that I felt better because he owns 
more real estate than anybody else in the 
world. 

Then, listen, you’ll never believe it, why 
you could have knocked me over with a feather 
pillow, there was Max Goldberg, my director, 
eating asparagus with a Queen and his fingers 
besides! And I don’t mean maybe, I mean a 
real Queen. Well, that upset me a little, but 
as soon as I could think again I made up my 
mind not to let it upset me, because a girl who 
thinks as much as I do won’t let anything 
upset her if she gets time to think about it. 
But it did just the same. Well, I didn’t feel 
much like making a night of it so I said “Good¬ 
bye” to Freddy but he hated to say “Goodbye” 
from the way he acted hut I told him I’d see 
him soon if he’d telephone me, which seemed 
to make him feel better. So then I went to 
bed and cried and kept right on crying with 
real tears. 

Then Max came in and he wanted to know 
92 


They Bo Not 

why in hell I was crying. So I asked him what 
chance did I have even with all my ability and 
his brains when my name wasn’t signed in the 
Social Register if he was going to start featur¬ 
ing Queens? He talked to me a long while. 
So it all turned out for the best because she’s 
going to make a story for me to put on the 
screen and that made me feel happy. Max said 
it would make everybody in the world come to 
see me in the pictures which is what any screen 
artist wants. Besides he promised me he’d get 
me that ruby bracelet I wanted if I’d stop 
throwing away my tears that way when there 
wasn’t a camera-man around to shoot them. 
So then I stopped because a girl can’t have 
everything. Besides a ruby bracelet is quite a 
lot when you stop to turn it over in your mind. 

So that’s how it happened that I had to get 
up so early this morning because a girl with 
my ability always has her premonitions and 
listen, you’ll never believe it, but right on the 
pillow beside me was a ruby bracelet. I was 
so happy; I couldn’t think for a long time but 
after awhile I could, so I made up my mind 
that this trip to Paris, France, was really worth 
while and had its advantages for a girl like 
me with my ability. So I kissed Max and by 
93 


They Bo Not 


the time I got through it was time to have my 
picture taken a lot of times for it seems that 
any girl who has a play being written for her 
by a Queen has to have her picture taken 
much more often than she would otherwise 
because everybody in the world that already 
doesn’t know, wants to see what she looks like. 

After that a great many reporters came to 
find out what I thought of Paris and what a 
great artist like I am, thought of all the beauti¬ 
ful art in this foreign land. So Max gave 
cigars to everybody and told them all I thought 
without my having to think a thing about it, 
which certainly took a lot off my mind. 

Right after lunch Tony called up so I told 
him to come on over because several people in 
Paris had asked me if I had seen the Louvre 
which it seems is quite a famous place in Paris, 
so I thought I’d better see it while I am over 
here. Besides, Tony seems to know a lot about 
History. 

But after I’d thought it over some more I 
decided I had to do some shopping because if 
all the newspapers are going to take a lot of 
pictures of me I’ve got to have something 
different. 

So when Tony arrived I knew where to go 
94 


They Do Not 

without a map because clothes are my instinct, 
besides, every morning when I wake up there 
are always a lot of attractive invitations to all 
the famous establishments. With everybody 
in America over here in Paris, I thought I 
ought to get a few things right away before 
they’re all picked over. 

So we started out and went to Lucile’s first 
up on the Rue de Penthievre. Poor Tony 
seemed depressed so that’s the reason we went 
to Lucile’s first, because everyone told me she 
had lovely undies and pajamas. They were 
right. Things like that ought to tickle any man 
almost to death when they’re going to be worn 
by a girl with my ability. Well, once I’d set 
my feet inside I knew I was in heaven but Tony 
didn’t seem to feel that way so I didn’t know 
what was the matter with him and began to 
think I’d picked an off day. But you can never 
tell about these foreigners. Well, I selected 
the cutest things I could find because there 
were so many to choose from. Besides, if the 
boat we go home on is as big as the one we 
came over on I decided right away that there 
would be plenty of room for anything I wanted 
if I used my discretion. 

Well, when I got all through Tony didn’t 

95 


They Do Not 


seem any happier so I took him to a place 
called Alexandrine on the Rue Auber because 
a nice invitation they sent me said that there 
“women of discreet taste and of the utmost 
refinement” would find what she was looking 
for—especially stockings. 

Most men love things like that. But Tony 
didn’t. So I had to pick out everything I 
wanted as fast as I could until I had a brilliant 
idea, so after I got through having the brilliant 
idea, we went over to look at some corsets. 

By that time I thought Tony was going to 
faint so then I began to think I’d started on the 
wrong track because you can never tell about 
these foreigners. Well, I decided that if Tony 
was going to faint on me I’d get as much done 
as possible before he did, so we went up to 
see Paul Poiret because somebody had told 
me all about his new place at Rond Point 
des Champs-Elysees, and I was glad we did 
because I found so many things I needed 
besides a lot of other things. When a girl has 
a big boat to go home on she might just as well 
get all she can, besides Tony is a Count and 
ought to know how a girl of my ability has to 
keep dressed if she wants to get anywhere. 
Tony seemed more white than ever so I 
96 



“tony SEEMED MORE WHITE THAN EVER, SO I DECIDED THAT 
MAYBE WE ! D BETTER NOT STAY ANY LONGER” 


wss vvV 

















































































They Do Not 


decided that maybe we’d better not stay any 
longer. So we didn’t. 

Then we went to see Madeleine Lemaire on 
the Rue des Mathurines. By that time Tony 
said he had to run around to his bank. So I 
just kept on picking out all the hats I wanted. 
Well, you know how long it takes a girl with 
my ability in taste to pick out all the hats she 
wants. Anyway, when I got all through Tony 
wasn’t back. 

I began to think what a fool I was to let 
him get away from me. Well, I waited and 
waited and then we got Tony’s bank on the 
telephone and they said he’d gone to Africa. 
That made me mad because when a man is 
going to Africa he might at least come and 
help a girl get her hats back to the Ritz so I 
got madder than ever and paid the bill myself 
and called some taxis. 

Well, what’s a foreigner or two in the life 
of a girl like me? By the time I reached the 
Ritz and got inside I felt better because there 
was a big pile of telegrams and letters and 
telephone calls besides flowers from Freddy. 
Well, just as I was going upstairs who should I 
see but Dickie and he saw me at the same time 


98 


They Do Not 

and he looked awfully sad and asked me if I’d 
seen Freddy. 

So I said, “No, a girl can’t see everybody, 
even in Paris.” 

He seemed to feel better after that and 
asked me to come with him to the Cafe d’ 
Armenonville for some tea which is in the Bois 
de Boulogne. So just as I was making up my 
mind Dickie looked all around and then he 
took out a box which contained two diamond 
ear-rings and a brooch to match. After I’d got 
a good look at them and saw that they were 
quite large, I said I’d go. But as I thought it 
over those ear-rings and brooch looked very 
familiar. I was sure I’d seen them somewhere 
before. 

Well, anyway, I made up my mind that if I 
had I could have them re-set and then I put 
them out of my mind. I told him I was crazy 
about the trees up in that part of town anyhow. 
Well, I was glad I went because the Cafe d’ 
Armenonville is quite a swell place because so 
many people whose names you see in print go 
there in the summer-time. 

Well, there was another actress there 
besides me, called Regine Flory and Dickie 
told me she jumped into the Seine once, which 
99 


They Do Not 


is the river I told you about, which is quite 
prominent here in Paris because it has so 
many bridges across it and everything. Well, 
Regine Flory, Dickie told me, found one of the 
bridges and jumped into the river because she 
saw a woman wearing a dress just like hers. 
Over in one corner was Jean Nash and a fel¬ 
low with a title called Marquis de Medici. But 
nobody else came in so I said to Dickie that it 
was too slow here for a girl of my ability. 
What’s the use of drinking tea if you’ve got to 
do it all alone? 

That’s how we happened to go to a place 
called Chateau de Madrid, which is something 
because a Grand Duke named Boris was there 
who is quite famous, because his mother used 
to have a diamond necklace which is more than 
I have got yet. Then Mrs. Gurnee Munn and 
Mrs. John Wanamaker came in from Phila¬ 
delphia and Mrs. Oliver Belmont. 

By that time I was tired and made up my 
mind to go back to the Ritz because a girl of 
my ability can’t spend all her time with one 
man even for a pair of ear-rings. Well, Dickie 
named over a lot of places he wanted to take 
me to called Zelli’s, and the Rat Mort, and 
Pigall’s, and Caveau Caucasian, and El Garon, 
100 


They Do Not 


because it is very Argentine. I didn’t like to 
say anything about Freddy, especially after 
the diamonds, because it always upsets him so 
I told him I was going to sleep one night for a 
change because I had to go see the Louvre 
which is quite important and a girl ought to 
have her mind very well rested if she is going 
to see the Louvre. Anyway, he agreed with me 
and asked me if he could take me and I said he 
could. 

We said “Goodbye,” only he said it in 
French which doesn’t mean quite the same 
thing. 


The Ritz. 

Well, here I am back here in Paris again, 
because so many things have happened so 
where shall I begin? After all I didn’t get to 
the Louvre because nobody can be in two 
places at once. 

Well, anyway, last week Freddy came to 
take me to lunch and brought a lot of flowers 
and things. His father must have sent a boat¬ 
load of money over for him to get rid of. So I 
helped him and we did. 

Well, the first thing Freddy said was, “Let’s 
see Paris.” 


101 


They Do Not 

So I told him I’d seen most of it except the 
Louvre. 

So he said you haven’t seen anything yet. 

I didn’t like to disagree with him because 
when a man’s got as much money as Freddy’s 
family has any girl would be a fool to disagree 
with him. So he said, “Let’s start with the 
Latin Quarter.” 

I didn’t mind where we started but I thought 
maybe the Latin Quarter was like the Jewish 
Quarter in New York which didn’t sound very 
artistic but I was willing to take a chance 
because I’ve been willing to do that all my 
life and look where I am which is more than 
I can say for lots of people I know, even if they 
do work as hard as I do. So we went over that 
river I spoke to you about several times before, 
because it seems you can’t get away from it. 
Being such a temptation to so many girls I 
think Georges Carpentier or whoever runs this 
country over here now ought to have it filled 
up or something. Well, it seems that all Paris 
is divided into two parts, the right bank and 
the other one. Of course, the Ritz is on the 
right one, because being what it is, it wouldn’t 
be anywhere else, so I feel I am in the best 
element even in Paris. 

102 


They Do Not 

Well, it turned out that the Latin Quarter is 
the place where everybody lives who does any¬ 
thing with their brains. So we went up the 
Boulevard Saint Michel which everybody over 
here calls the Boul’ Mich’ and turned a cor¬ 
ner. Then it was time for an aperitif, so we 
went to the Lantern and had two. After that 
we went to the Closerie des Lilas because it’s 
full of art. Well, who should I see there but 
James Joyce who wrote a book everybody is 
talking about if they can get a copy, and Ford 
Madox Ford, whose name wasn’t that when I 
knew him last. 

Anyhow, I said, “Hello, Ford.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

But I didn’t ask him when he got over 
because he’s been here all the time. So this 
was the cafe where a fellow named Svengali 
used to bring a girl he was interested in edu¬ 
cating who’s name was Trilby, who was 
famous for her feet as well as her voice which 
is a good combination for a girl with any abil¬ 
ity. Freddy told me all about it because he 
read it in a book once which it seems was writ¬ 
ten by a man named du Maurier whose son 
turned out to be an actor which must have 


103 


They Do Not 


been a great disappointment to a man who had 
enough ability to write a book. 

After that we went to the Rotunde which is 
across the street from the Dome on Montpar¬ 
nasse because everybody goes there once and 
Freddy wanted to see who was there. It was 
crowded with people who do things because 
they have lots of time to do them in because 
the moving picture industry over here isn’t 
what it is in America. 

Well, Freddy picked out some of the most 
important ones. Nina Hammet who sometimes 
paints pictures was there and so was Jacob 
Eppstein who did a famous statue of that man 
named Oscar Wilde and they put it up over in 
a cemetery called Pere Lachaise, which every¬ 
body goes to see, but nobody talks about it 
if there happens to be any ladies around. 
Another sculptor named Jo Davidson was 
there but I’d seen him before at the Ritz and 
Mudz Eaton who takes care of everybody over 
there when nobody else will. Then an artist 
named Augustus John and his son Robin sat 
down at one of the little tables and I took a 
good look at him because I thought it might 
help me get the artistic atmosphere which is 
supposed to be around everywhere, but it 
104 


They Do Not 

didn’t much because the artists over here look 
just like the ones in California, which only 
proves that the world is a small place after all. 

By that time it was time for some more anis 
so we went to the Gypsy Bar and after that to 
the Dingo and then to the Jockey where every¬ 
body had on velvet coats and Windsor ties 
because it was the Latin Quarter. So by that 
time we’d seen all of it and besides it was 
almost nine and time to eat. So then we went 
across the river again to the Champs-Elysees 
Restaurant which is in the Champs-Elysees 
which is the street I wrote you about with all 
the trees and everything in it. 

Well, the restaurant is very famous because 
it was started by Jules Ansaldi and Marc 
Bresil who is a dramatic critic which is quite 
important. But everybody knows about him 
anyhow because he was the one who discov¬ 
ered Maurice and Florence Walton and Mr. 
and Mrs. Vernon Castle. Well, I was glad to 
go there because everybody who is anybody 
even if they are only pretending always goes 
there. So we went down stairs and had a lot 
of cocktails and then we went up stairs and 
spent all the money we could on things to eat 
including pressed duck. So Freddy wanted 


They Do Not 


to spend some more money and that’s how we 
happened to go on out to a place I wrote you 
about called Chateau de Madrid for coffee and 
everything. 

Well, listen, everybody was there including 
me and Spinelly. Jane Danjou all dressed up 
was there and Jane Renouardt with Jacques 
Wittouck and also Jane Marnac and Cecile 
Sorel, who is quite famous over here because 
I wrote you about her, with Count Guyon de 
Segur and six other good-looking young men. 
How does she do it? They say she never 
appears in public without her court. Also 
other famous people besides me who came in 
were: Mr. and Mrs. Vanderbilt Junior and 
Tessie Oelrichs and Mr. and Mrs. Freddy Bate 
but the P. 0. W. wasn’t with them. When he 
comes over from London to see Paris the 
Prince usually goes around with the Bates’s 
because they know so many people and he’s 
supposed to be very democratic for royalty. 
The Shah of Persia was there, too, with a little 
dancer from the Perroquet. 

Then Jean Nash came in with some people 
and I thought it was Fanny Ward who had 
all the jewelry from that building I told you 
about in the Tuileries, but I found out that I 
106 


They Do Not 


was wrong. I don’t see how she can stand up 
under them. In her blonde hair was a diamond 
diadem and around her head was an emerald 
headache band. A pearl dog-collar and a pearl 
necklace were looped around her neck three 
times and she had on a diamond brooch and a 
diamond girdle and sixteen bracelets on the 
left arm and seven on the right and a diamond 



“yet I’ve SEEN MRS. NASH AND SHE’S JUST AS IMPORTANT 
TO SEE AS ANY PLACE IN PARIS.” 


anklet and ruby heels. I knew by that time I 
was in the right atmosphere because even if I 
haven’t seen the Louvre yet I’ve seen Mrs. 
Nash and she’s just as important to see as any 
place in Paris, France. 

107 











They Do Not 


I felt sorry for her though, because all her 
life is spent in getting engaged, married, 
divorced and signing theatrical contracts, 
which is an awful nuisance to any girl with the 
ability she must have. When she isn’t doing 
that or trying to catch a wink of sleep she’s 
changing her gown because she’s the best- 
dressed-woman-in-the-world, which is certainly 
something when you take time to realize that 
she’s not a picture star. But the last time she 
was married it was to Prince Sabit Bey and 
when it was time to get a divorce, all she had to 
do to get it was to have her husband point his 
finger at her and say he’d thrown her over 
because that’s Moslem law, whatever that is. 
Anyway it’s a good law because it saves sign¬ 
ing a lot of papers and things so we ought to 
have a law like that in America especially out 
in Hollywood. It would be a great relief to lots 
of people. 

Well, after that it was time to go to Max- 
ime’s on Rue Royale because it’s been a very 
famous institution in Paris ever since a fel¬ 
low named Franz Lehar came along and wrote 
“The Merry Widow” about it and now that 
Eric von Stroheim has put it on the screen 
with Mae Murray there’s no telling how 
108 


They Do Not 

famous it will get. Well, Gustave, who runs 
the place, took us to a table in the centre 
room and we had something to drink. So 
Harry Pilcer came in. 

I said, “Hello, Harry.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

And I was glad to see him because he’s 
just the same as ever even if he has lived in 
Paris for a long time. Then the orchestra 
played a song that Eva Tanguay is still singing 
because she gets a good contract that way. So 
then we had some more drinks and everyone 
was as happy as they could be including our¬ 
selves. So then the orchestra began to play 
again and I stood up and sang as loud as I 
could, because I meant it: 

4 Tm happy at Maxim’s 
Where fun and Frolic beams! 

With all the girls I chatter, 

I laugh and kiss and flatter! 

Lolo, Dodo, Joujou, 

Cloclo, Margot, Froufrou, 

For surnames do not matter, 

I take the first to hand, 

And then the corks go pop! 

We dance and never stop; 

*The ladies smile so sweetly, 

109 


They Do Not 

I catch and kiss them neatly; 

Lolo, Dodo, Joujou, 

Clocio, Margot, Froufrou, 

Till I forget completely, 

My dear old Fatherland.” 

Then everybody was happier than ever so 
we had some more drinks and by that time it 
was time for a little jazz but you can’t get that 
at Maxim’s so we went to the Le Perroquet 
which is called the Half-way house by every¬ 
body because it’s half way down-town to Mont¬ 
martre and that’s how you can never miss it, 
whether you’re coming or going. 

Well, I was glad to get there because Albert 
Glaser, who runs it, made us feel right at home 
the minute we reached the door and anybody 
likes to feel at home in Paris if they ever get 
time to think about it. Well, then the negro 
jazz band began to play and we began to dance 
and Pm always happy when I can dance even 
when there’s nothing to drink. But there was. 

Before we got through dancing all we 
wanted to, it was almost morning and time to 
to go to Pere Tranquil’s for onion soup. But 
Freddy said he felt so lucky he wanted to go 
to the Haussman Club so we ended up in a 
place on the Boulevard des Italiens instead of 
110 


They Do Not 

soup. So of course I was glad to be there even 
if it was almost morning because the Hauss- 
man Club encourages music and artists and I 
needed encouragement. So it turned out that 
there happened to be some baccarat going on 
so even if Freddy had spent money as fast as 
he could all night, he didn’t want to go back 
home with a lot of extra coin in his pockets, so 
he played chemin-de-fer which seems to be the 
fastest way the French have of losing money 
so far. 

I would have played too, but it takes a lot 
of thinking and no girl of my ability wants to 
spend her time thinking so early in the morn¬ 
ing if she doesn’t have to. Well, by that time 
Freddy had lost as much money as possible for 
one night. 

So he said, “Let’s go to Deauville.” 

And I said, “Sure, where is it?” Because I 
didn’t care what happened by that time. 

So we got into the car and started off. Well, 
listen you’ll never believe it, Deauville isn’t a 
cafe or a Club or anything like that. It’s a 
place. Well, when I woke up I was furious 
because there I was a long way from Paris and 
I hadn’t seen the Louvre yet and besides I 


111 


They Do Not 

didn’t have any clothes except the ones I had 
on which wasn’t much. 

But after we reached Deauville Freddy 
wrote out a book full of checks and I got a few 



“WELL, WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS FURIOUS BECAUSE THERE I 
WAS A LONG WAY FROM PARIS” 


necessary things, including two bracelets to 
go with them, so I sent a lot of telegrams to my 
director and felt much better. Well, I was 
glad I went because I met a lot of swell people 
which is most important when you are as 
famous as I am. Besides everyone there was 
from America so I felt right at home. 

So we went to the Casino but when we got 
inside everybody was saying something about 
112 










They Do Not 

“Faites vos jeux. Vos jeux sont fais? Sept! 
Huit! Banco!” and got all excited about it. 
So as those words are not in my French vocab¬ 
ulary yet and as I couldn’t see anything to 
get all excited about, I just walked around and 
let everybody get a good look at me and they 
seemed to enjoy it very much, because now 
I’ve got almost as many bracelets as Peggy 
Joyce and anybody who knows anything at all 
is always interested in a girl when she has as 
many bracelets as that even if they don’t hap¬ 
pen to know anything about her ability. 

Of course, I enjoyed myself very much 
because anybody likes to be looked at by 
people like Jerry Preston and Roddy Wana- 
maker and Laddy Sanford and Mr. Newman, 
who everybody used to say would be Irene 
Bordoni’s future husband and Joe Whitehead, 
who is supplied with all the money he can use 
by everybody who puts down a nickel and 
says, “Coca Cola,” and Jack O’Day, who 
comes from the famous Standard Oil. 

Anyway the first thing I knew I found 
myself talking to the cutest little Marquis 
whose name was too complicated to bother my 
head about trying to remember so I called him 
Mark right from the first. Well, it turned out 
113 


They Do Not 


that he was quite a nice boy even if he did 
wear white spats. 

So I had a good time until Freddy saw him 
kissing my elbow on the inside which made 
Freddy mad and that’s how we happened to 
come back here to Paris so suddenly. Any¬ 
way, it turned out that Freddy is crazy about 
me. 



“so I HAD A GOOD TIME UNTIL FREDDY SAW HIM KISSING 
MY ELBOW ON THE INSIDE . . 


when we got home all the papers were full of 
how we went to Deauville. Well, Max was 
awfully pleased because all he had to do was 
stand down stairs and hand out my picture to 

114 







They Do Not 


all the reporters who called, without having to 
think up a thing to say about me because the 
reporters did all the thinking and sent it to 
their papers. 


115 



CHAPTER IV 


Freddy’s mother appreciates my ability 

















































* 






































CHAPTER IV 

Freddy’s mother appreciates my ability 

The Ritz. 

Well, I’ve got into the strangest sort of a 
a thing but what else can a poor girl with my 
ability do when her director is busy getting 
ideas? Anyway I’m glad it’s over because now 
I don’t have to think about it any more and 
anyway, Max always says, “When the sun’s 
in front the shadows fall behind.” So I keep 
saying that all the time and it makes me feel 
better about losing my friend because I have. 
They’ve put him into a sanitarium. And you 
know as well as I do what it means when they 
put a man of Dickie’s age into a sanitarium. 

Well, listen, you’ll never believe it, but who 
should turn up in Paris but the Bishop? I 
mean the one I met on the boat coming over. 
But I might have known that he would turn 
up sooner or later because everybody seems 
to turn up in Paris sooner or later if you give 
them time. Well, then the Bishop came to 


see me. 


119 


They Do Not 


He just looked at me a long time and then 
he said, “My poor dear girl.” 

When I heard that I shook an armful of 
bracelets in his face but as he didn’t say any¬ 
thing I made up my mind he didn’t know a 
good thing when he saw it. 

Well, to make a long story shorter it all 
turned out that Dickie is the Bishop’s brother- 
in-law. 

So I said, “How’s the wife?” and he told me 
she was just the same. 

After that I felt sorry for the poor man, 
because he must have an awful hard life with 
a wife like that, so I asked him if he wouldn’t 
have a drink but he thought he wouldn’t under 
the circumstances, which were very painful. 

Then he told me that for two long years 
Dickie has been suffering from Amnesia. 

I said, “My God, is it catching?” 

Then he looked at me another long time 
and said, “Not for you my poor girl, you were 
born with it.” 

Well, I might have been worried about it 
except that Max is always telling me I was born 
with nothing else but Ability with a capital A. 
And since Max pays my salary and some of my 
bills besides, he ought to know exactly what 
120 


They Do Not 

I was born with. Besides I always make it a 
point to agree with him. 

Well, it turned out that all the watches and 
cars and jewelry and everything which Dickie 
has been scattering around Paris belonged to 
the Bishop and his wife and Dickie has been 
absent-mindedly picking them up and giving 
them away. Then the Bishop looked at me 
again and asked me what Dickie had given me. 

So after I’d thought about it for quite 
awhile, I happened to remember about the 
the automobile and a string of pearls which 
were so small I didn’t care much for them 
anyhow. So then I gave them to the Bishop 
and told him I’d leave the car on the Rue Cam- 
bon, which is the back door to the Ritz, as soon 
as Max got back. Then he seemed to feel 
better so I said, “Goodbye,” and sat down in 
a chair to think it all over because any girl 
hates to lose a good friend like Dickie espe¬ 
cially when he’s as absent-minded as Dickie 
was. 

Well, after I’d thought about it for a long 
time I just happened to remember about the 
emerald bracelet and the diamond brooch and 
the diamond ear-rings and the emerald ring, 
but when a girl has as many things to think of 
121 


They Do Not 


as I have you can’t expect her to remember 
everything besides it was too late to call the 
Bishop back by that time and he hadn’t left 
his address. Well, just the same, jewelry is 
jewelry, even if you did get it absent-mindedly. 

Well, Freddy called me up and that made 
me feel better because when a girl knows a fel¬ 
low whose family has as much money as his 
family has is crazy about her she always feels 
better unless she’s a fool. So it turned out 
that Freddy’s mother had read all about my 
ability in all the American papers which had 
also mentioned our trip to Deauville, so of 
course, she was mad to meet me. That’s the 
reason she left for Paris right away on the 
first boat she could catch and is landing in a 
place called Havre or something like that 
today, so Freddy must go right down and meet 
the boat. 

So that’s how I happened to spend a quiet 
evening with Max and went to the Casino de 
Paris revue to see Earl Leslie and Mistinguett 
who is a French institution even more impor¬ 
tant than the Louvre. 


122 


They Do Not 


The Ritz. 

Well, listen, who should turn up in Paris 
but Mark? I didn’t know what to do so I told 
him to call up later because with Freddy’s 
mother coming to town I thought I ought to 
make a good impression. Besides, you can 
never tell about these French gentlemen with 
titles. Look what happened to Tony. So I 
asked Max about it and he told me a Marquis 
was much better than a Count and that I ought 
to go out with him especially where I can be 
seen. So as Max is my director I thought I’d 
better do what he said because that’s what I’m 
supposed to do because what would become of 
him if it wasn’t for my ability? 

Well, when Mark called up again I told him 
I had to see the Louvre. Because I thought 
if it was as important as everyone seems to 
think it is I might as well be seen in public 
there with Mark as any place else. He didn’t 
seem to like the idea much at first but anyhow 
we went because the Louvre is right in the mid¬ 
dle of Paris and very handy. 

Well, listen, the Louvre turned out to be 
nothing but a picture gallery. You could have 
knocked me over with a pin-cushion. Well, 
having dragged Mark that far I wasn’t going- 
123 


They Do Not 

to give up without going in and having a look 
around so we entered through a place called 
the Pavilion Denon. So then a man who must 
have been a general or something with a uni¬ 
form like that, became interested in us and 
stepped up and began showing us everything 
he could lay his eyes on. He must have recog¬ 
nized me from my pictures in all the papers. 

He took us through a lot of rooms where 
there were lots of pictures hung all over the 
walls but it only goes to show how much Lib¬ 
erty there is over here in Paris, France, 
because if an American censor ever got into 
that place he’d turn inside out. Well, it seems 
there was once a man named Cellini, who wrote 
a book all about his autobiography which 
made him very famous and besides that he 
made a Nymph so we looked at it and thought 
it was very nice. Then the General, or what¬ 
ever he was, wanted to show us the most beau¬ 
tiful piece of art in Paris so as I wanted to see 
all the artistic things over here I could hardly 
wait. So we went through a lot more rooms 
filled with pictures and things until we came to 
a room all hung with black curtains and in it 
was a statue called Venus de Milo, but as I’d 


124 


They Do Not 

seen a picture of it before, it wasn’t anything 
new to me. 

Then the General, or whatever he was, 
asked us if we didn’t think she was beautiful, 
but of course a girl with my ability can’t be 
too demonstrative so I said I thought it was 
quite a nice statue even if the arms were 
broken. Well, he told us they had been lost a 
long time ago. 

So I said, “My God, the servants must have 
been careless.” 

But he didn’t say anything which only goes 
to show how these foreigners stick together. 

By that time I was sure we had seen every¬ 
thing because we’d been there almost half an 
hour. Anyway, even if it is artistic, I don’t see 
how a girl of my ability could spend her time 
looking at broken statues when there are so 
manv other things to do over here. 

Well, when we got outside Mark told me 
the only really interesting place with any his¬ 
tory to it worth seeing was a place called Ver¬ 
sailles which I’d heard about before. When 
you’ve seen that you’ve seen everything and I 
thought if I’d seen everything it would cer¬ 
tainly be a weight off my mind. So it seems 
Versailles was built bv a King named Louis, 
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but there used to be a lot of Kings over here by 
that name so they numbered them all, and the 
one who built Versailles was number XIV. 
Well, we got into a taxi and went there which 
is quite a long ways, but Mark kept kissing 
my hand and telling me how content he was 
to see me so the trip didn’t seem so long after 
all. 

As Mark is a Marquis, which is quite impor¬ 
tant, he knew a lot about Versailles so I’ll give 



MARK 

126 




















They Do Not 

you the dope on the place which is really quite 
nice and comfortable when you stop to com¬ 
pare it to some of the homes of our stars in 
Hollywood. I was quite impressed. 

It seems that the King built this place 
because he wanted all his noble friends to be 
around him so everybody who was anybody 
gave up housekeeping and moved out to spend 
their time with Louis. Well, out in front is a 
tennis court where a lot of people called depu¬ 
ties used to make all the laws between sets. 
Then we went through a lot of rooms and 
things till I was dizzy and at last we came to the 
Galerie des Glaces which in French means it’s 
full of mirrors and for the first time in Paris 
I got a good look at myself which was very 
comforting. 

Anyhow, a great many things had happened 
in the room besides me including the German 
Empire being proclaimed as far back as 1871 
and also it seems that was the spot where Mr. 
Wilson came to stop a war with a treaty but 
none of these things interested me very much 
until the man who knew all about it and told 
us so, mentioned a diamond necklace. So, of 
course, any girl with my ability is always inter¬ 
ested in jewelry unless she’s a fool. 

127 


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So in those days, long ago, there was a firm 
of jewelers who found their place overstocked, 
because the Queen had all the diamonds she 
wanted for the time being. Anyhow, the firm 
went right ahead and made a necklace and 
showed it to the King who thought it was swell 
so he showed it to the Queen but she said she 
couldn’t use it. So a Prince named Rohan, 
who didn’t know about all this wanted to make 
a hit with the Queen so he bought the neck¬ 
lace for her. But he got double-crossed, for 
it seems there was a crook or two about the 
place because when he sent the necklace to the 
Queen one of the crooks got it instead and 
skipped for England. Well, anyway, there 
were a lot of lawsuits and trials and things 
and when it was all over the Prince wasn’t any 
farther along than he was in the first place as 
far as the Queen was concerned because she 
was as cold as ever. 

So I said, “My God, any man’s a fool who 
will go wasting jewelry on an iceberg.” 

Then we went into another room and heard 
about another King named Louis whose num¬ 
ber was XV. It seems that he had two girl 
friends, called Pompadour and Du Barry, who 
were famous even if they were old fashioned 
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girls because when they got all their friends 
rounded up on a party the sky was the limit. 
Which only goes to prove that our grand¬ 
mother’s friends used to step out once in a 
while like everybody else even if nobody will 
admit it. 

Well, by that time I’d had all the history I 
could stand for one day so we went back to the 
Ritz. And I told Mark I’d have dinner with 
him that night because a girl like me has to 
have a little fun once in a while. 

Well, when I got back to the Ritz there were 
all sorts of messages from Freddy. His mother 
and he will be in Paris tomorrow and I suppose 
she is as crazy to meet me as ever but he didn’t 
say so. 

Anyway, Mark came back and we went to 
Montagne Traiteur on a street called L’Echelle 
because it’s so expensive. And Mark said if 
you just put yourself in his hands you are sure 
to get a good meal. That’s how we happened 
to do it and the one we had was fine. Anyway, 
that’s the way we felt about it, so did some 
others I guess because the Queen of the 
shimmy was there a 4 nd so was Aristide Briand 
and Gaillard Boag. 

I said, “Hello, Gilda.” 

129 


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And she said, “Hello, Lu.” 

But I didn’t ask her when she got over 
because Mark told me she had a new house out 
on the other side of Paris called Neuilly. So 
Montagne brought us some more wine. And 
then it was time to go to the Acacias. Well, 
when we arrived everything was in full swing 
and there was Harry Pilcer at the door. 

I said, “Hello, Harry.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

And I asked him if he’d dance with me 
because a girl of my ability has to ask for 
things once in a while if she wants to get 
anywhere. Besides I’m very fond of Harry 
because I know all about him and he’s one of 
the best fellows in the world. I first knew 
Harry when I was connected with a Broadway 
success in New York, in the box-office selling 
tickets, but every girl’s got to start somewhere. 

Well, it’s quite a long story but—it seems 
that whenever royalty blows into Paris it’s up 
to the government to show them a good time so 
a place called the Foreign Office keeps a long 
list with all the names of interesting French 
ladies anybody can think of on it, because 
nobody, even if he is a King, wants to be alone 
in Paris. So when a King named Manuel came 
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over from Portugal the Foreign Office had to 
find a little playmate for him because he was 
that kind of a King. So they called up the 
Capucines Theatre and asked for a girl named 
Gaby Deslys and she came over in a taxi as 
fast as she could which must have been very 
fast, when you stop to think that it was a 
French taxi she was riding in. 

Anyhow, the Foreign Office said, “Gaby, 
shake hands with the King,” and she did. 

Then there was a revolution in Portugal. 
So the next day all the Sunday papers were 
full of it with pictures and Gaby was famous. 
After that of course, there was nothing to it. 
Every manager wanted to give her a job but, 
of course, she couldn’t take them all so she 
took one with the Winter Garden Revue in 
New York. But after they got her to New 
York they found out she couldn’t dance and 
what chance has a girl got in the Winter Gar¬ 
den if she can’t dance? So everybody hurried 
out to look for Harry Pilcer and when they 
found him they made him teach Gaby how to 
dance. He did. So that’s how she happened to 
get so famous in everv place including Amer¬ 
ica and Europe, in spite of the revolution over 
in Portugal 


131 


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The Ritz. 

Well, I’ve been through a lot for a girl of 
my high-strung ability which only goes to 
show what you can get into if you go on a vaca¬ 
tion to Paris, France—even for three weeks. 

Anyhow, when I got home from Harry Pil- 
cer’s the other night, what should I get but a 
note from Freddy’s mother and it seemed she 
was just crazy to meet me because she’d seen 
my picture with Freddy’s in all the papers all 
over America. Anyhow, Max wasn’t there to 
tell the reporters what to say so it seems they 
went right straight ahead and said what they 
pleased about me and when newspaper report¬ 
ers get loose like that and say what they please 
it always turns out to be something awful. 
These days everybody who is anybody always 
gets talked about by a lot of people who are 
nobody. But I didn’t know anything about it 
till Freddy’s mother told me. So when I got up 
the next morning and found out she was in 
town, I put on the cutest dress I could find. 
Short everywhere, if you know what I mean. 
After all, my legs are supposed to be one of 
my best points and Max always tells me to put 
my best foot forward. Then I went around to 


132 


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the Meurice Hotel where Freddy’s mother is 
staying. 

The minute I saw Freddy’s mother I knew 



she and I wouldn’t get along together very far, 
because she’s the sort of woman who looks at 
you through a lorgnette for a very long time 
before she says anything. 

So she did me, and after she’d got both her 
eyes good and full she asked me how I got the 
way I was. It was a long story but to make it 
brief I told her all about my ability and Max 
Goldberg my director. But it turned out that 
wasn’t what she meant because she wasn’t 

133 













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interested at all in art or my ability, which is 
great even if I do say so, or Max who is a 
gentleman if anybody is. Of course, when I 
found out I couldn’t talk about my ability I 
shut up like a clam, because I always do. 

Well, after awhile she got out a check-book 
and looked at me some more. But, of course, a 
thing like that, I mean a check-book, always 
interests me a great deal so I began to talk 
a lot but it turned out that Freddy’s mother 
wasn’t very conversational so I had to keep 
right on talking. But then what can you 
expect from a woman who looks at you 
through a lorgnette? 

Anyhow, listen, you’ll never believe it, but 
it all turned out that all the money Freddy had 
been writing checks for and spending as fast 
as he could get the checks made out wasn’t in 
the bank at all because Freddy’s father had 
forgotten to make a deposit or something that 
morning. Well, it turned out that the bankers 
were awfully mad about it because what good 
were all the checks to them if there wasn’t a 
deposit to go with them? Bankers are awfully 
funny about things like that. But I suppose 
business is business after all even if I don’t 
know anything about it. 

134 


They Do Not 

Anyway, Freddy’s father isn’t going to give 
him any more money to spend which made me 
sorry for him because a boy like Freddy will 
never get anywhere in this world unless he has 
an awful lot of money to do it with. After that 
Freddy’s mother asked me how much I wanted 
for never seeing Freddy again. 

So then I said, “What do you think I am?” 

And she told me what she thought I was 
which took her quite a while. 

Then I got mad and decided that any 
woman who could go through life thinking 
such things about me and my ability would 
have to pay for it. 

So it all turned out that I promised Freddy’s 
mother I’d never see Freddy again. So then 
we talked some more, and I will say I kept my 
temper like a perfect lady which is much more 
than I can say for Freddy’s mother. Well, she 
gave me a check for fifty thousand dollars 
which only goes to prove that even a woman 
like she is can appreciate ability like mine. 

Well, so I promised her again, only in writ¬ 
ing, that I’d never see Freddy again for the 
fifty, because money is money and what’s a 
man or two in the life of a girl like me? So 
when I got back to the Ritz there was Mark all 
135 


They Do Not 


excited about a race he wanted me to see which 
turned out to be quite interesting. 

So after lunch at Delmonico’s we went 
through the Bois de Boulogne, which is full of 
very pretty trees and everything, because I 
wrote you all about it, till we came to a place 
called Longchamps where there was to be a 
very important race with horses, called the 
Grand Prix which is something in French 
which means it’s the best race of all. So I was 
pleased Mark picked out a good one. I was 
glad we came because everybody besides me 
and Mark was there so I became very inter¬ 
ested. Besides, a great many people have seen 
my pictures in the papers and are very much 
interested in looking at an artist like I am. Of 
course, a girl with my ability likes all the atten¬ 
tion she can get especially in a foreign land 
like this even if it is made up of Americans 
more than anything else. Before long the 
place was just packed full of people including 
two or three French ones and as I came clear 
over here to get the foreign atmosphere I was 
awfully glad to see anything in Paris as French 
as that. 

So I looked around and there was Mistin- 
guette in a fox coat and little Maud Loty who 
136 


They Do Not 

everybody says is a darling and chic, which 
doesn’t mean the same thing over here that it 
does in America. Because in America if you 
call any girl a chicken it’s an insult, unless she 
really is. 

Well, there was Berry Wall and Preston 
Gibson, who writes books when he finds time, 
Jeffrey Crane and Howard Sturges. So Mark 
told me all about them. Then who should 
come up but A. K. Macomber? 

I said, “Hello, Mac.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

He comes from California and I was glad to 
see him. So he took us around and showed us 
a lot of horses because he owns a lot, besides 
he was the first man to bring American horses 
over to France which is something. And out 
in a place called St. Louis de Poissy, he has 
some more horses. He bought them all from 
W. K. Vanderbilt because Frank O’Neil went 
with them and Frank is the star jockey all 
over Europe and anybody who can stay on a 
horse when it’s moving ought to be a star. 

Well, I was very proud to see all the horses 
and Mr. Macomber because he comes from 
California. And anything that comes from out 
there is fine because we all stick together and 
137 


They Do Not 


boost for each other more than ever since 
a place called Florida was discovered by some 
real estate men who went fishing and have 
been doing pretty well at it ever since. 

Then we went back and sat down and I 
looked at all the new clothes as fast as I could 
because everybody who is anybody always 
wears her best clothes to the races and you 
can see all the new models from Jenny to 
Callot. Well, pretty soon Mark got all excited 
just when I had my eye on a mannequin that 
had on a dress I’ve got to have before I leave 
Paris. 

Anyhow, Mark said, “Look, look. They’re 
bringing on the ponies.” 

So I said, “What do you mean?” 

And he said, “Look at the horses.” 

But I said, “My God, what’s the use of com¬ 
ing clear out here to look at horses?” 

Well, everybody got all excited so I looked 
around and all the horses were running as fast 
as they could.so when they got all through 
running as fast they could Mark went down to 
a little booth and they gave him as much 
money as he could carry. By that time I began 
to get interested. Because any girl ought to be 


138 


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interested in a man with as much money as he 
can carry unless she’s a fool. 

Well, it all turned out that I went back to 
the Ritz with Mark who was just bulging with 
money and a man like that is always very 
interesting even if he is a foreigner. So he 
wanted to celebrate with taking me to a din¬ 
ner because he said I was his little luck piece. 

I told him, “A dinner is something, but 
jewelry is jewelry the world over.” 

So after I’d explained my hint so he could 
understand, which took quite a while because 
these foreigners don’t understand things as 
well as American men do, he said he’d see 
what he could do about it. So I told him I’d 
always wanted a pair of diamond bracelets to 
match because just for the minute I couldn’t 
think of anything else that matched and, after 
all diamond bracelets to match are as good as 
anything else because if they aren’t you can 
always look on the box and see where they 
came from and then take them back and 
change them. 

Well, when I got upstairs there was Max all 
full of French atmosphere and everything. So 
I took a little drink with him but it must have 
hit me the wrong way because I couldn’t think 
139 


They Do Not 


of anything except poor Dickie even if he was 
older than I’m supposed to be. 

Well, I told Max all about the way Freddy’s 
mother had talked to me just because I was a 
poor girl when I started out young and never 
would have been where I am now if it hadn’t 
been for the way I work and Max’s brains. 
Because not every girl can stay at the Ritz in 
Paris unless her director happens to think as 
much of her ability as Max does of mine. 

Max seemed very happy about it and he told 
me if I kept on getting mixed up with all the 
Big Society like Freddy’s mother, he’d raise 
my salary and that interested me because a 
girl like me always likes to feel that she has 
worked hard and earned all that she has in 
this world. Besides, Max told me he was going 
to call up all the reporters he knew and tell 
them the way Freddy’s mother had acted and I 
guess she won’t feel so smart when she sees all 
the things she said to me in print besides the 
fifty thousand dollars she had to pay for say¬ 
ing such things. Max told me that was more 
than she’s ever given to any hospital or any¬ 
thing like that in her whole life. 

So sometimes when I stop to think of how 
much ability I really have it almost frightens 
140 


They Do Not 


me because a girl who can get more than any 
hospital in America must have something in 
her favor, even if the critics won’t give her 
credit for it. 

By that time it was time for dinner so I go l 
into my jewels and things and waited for Mark. 
Pretty soon up came some flowers and I knew 
he was waiting below. But I just let him wait 
a while because, listen you’ll never believe it, 
the flowers he had the nerve to send me were 



“listen you’ll never believe it, the flowers he had the 

NERVE TO SEND ME WERE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF VIOLETS.” 


1 

nothing but a bunch of violets. Well, a bunch 
of violets are all right in their place but 
there’s more flowers in Paris than anything 
else, except Liberty. Why, sometimes they 

141 









They Do Not 


have so many they can’t get them all in the 
stores because the other day up near a church 
called Madeleine, I saw a whole street full of 
them. 

After I’d thought about it a long time I 
decided I’d see Mark anyway, because I just 
happened to remember about the bracelets I’d 
hinted for and I was curious to see what he’d 
done about it. Well, sure enough there was 
the two diamond bracelets so I thought Mark 
wasn’t so bad after all for a foreigner even if 
the diamonds weren’t quite as large as I 
thought they should be. Because when a girl 
has as much ability to live up to as I have she 
can’t be seen going around with diamonds no 
bigger than peas. But after I’d thought about 
it for a long time I decided to let it go because 
if I got around to it I could go out and change 
them in the morning. 

So we went to dinner and all the way Mark 
kept kissing my hand and telling me how won¬ 
derful I was, which didn't make such a hit with 
me because I already knew it. Max is always 
telling me how wonderful I am and when he 
says a thing like that to me he says it with a 
contract which is very important when you’re 
a screen artist. 


142 


They Do Not 


Then we went and had a French dinner at a 
French restaurant which wasn’t much and 
besides they had nothing to drink but red 
wine. Then we went to a theatre called the 
Grand Guignol. By that time I saw Mark was 
bent on making it a French evening so I made 
up my mind I’d get as much atmosphere as I 
could. Well, about fifteen minutes was all the 
atmosphere I could stand because you can’t go 
into a foreign land like this is and get used to 
it right away. So I told Mark I had a bad 
headache and had to get back to the Ritz as 
soon as possible. All the way back he kept 
right on kissing my hand which is all right 
now and then but it starts to be a little bit tire¬ 
some when it gets to be a habit. 


The Ritz. 

Well, here it is two weeks since 1 arrived at 
the Ritz hotel and Paris. 

So when I got up this morning I said to 
myself, I said,’ 

“Girlie, you must go out and try to find a 
building or two to look at because that’s your 
duty.” 

And I always do what I consider my duty. 
So I started out to look for a building, because 
143 


They Do Not 

I thought there must be one or two I hadn’t 
seen yet. 

So I went up near the Opera and found a 
man selling picture post-cards that no girl 
would send through the mail unless she was a 
fool. So I told him I was looking for some¬ 
thing in Paris I hadn’t seen yet. Well, he 
named over several places but after I’d 
thought it over for sometime I came to the con¬ 
clusion that the places he wanted to show me 
were the sort of things no girl of my ability 
wants to see in Paris unless she is accompanied 
by a gentleman friend to shield her reputation. 

So I said, “Could we go see something more 
famous and less shady?” 

Well, after he had thought it over he said he 
thought we could so we got into a taxi-cab and 
started out. 

Then we came to the Bastille because it is a 
very famous building even if nothing is left 
of it now but a white mark on the pavement. 
Well, the post-card man seemed to know all 
about the building which used to stand there 
because way back in 1698 they put a man 
wearing a black mask inside and locked the 
door. Well, he stood it as long as he could and 
after five years they buried him under the 
144 


They Do Not 


name “Marchioly.” So everybody got very 
much interested about it and still are. So I 
began to think it might be a good screen play. 
Then a man named Voltaire went to prison 
also and while he was there he said that the 
masked man was the son of a girl named Anne 
from Austria. He was going to say a lot more 
but he died before he got a chance to say it 
which was too bad because everybody was so 
interested by that time. Then somebody else 
came along and said the man was a twin 
brother of a King named Louis whose number 
was XIV. So many stories have been written 
about this man that I was very interested 
because a girl like me likes to hear all about 
other people who are getting talked about too. 
But it all turned out that nobody ever found 
out who the man in the black mask was or 
anything. By that time, I knew it wouldn’t 
make a good picture anyhow, because the pub¬ 
lic never wants to see people in the pictures 
unless they know who they are looking at and 
all about them. 

Well, we looked at some other places but I 
decided that I had seen everything interesting 
because when you’ve seen the Louvre, even if 
it is only a picture gallery, and Notre Dame 
145 


They Do Not 

Church and the Latin Quarter, what is there 
left? 

Anyway, when I got home there was Mark 
waiting for me because he wanted to take me 
to lunch. Well, it’s always handy to have a 
man pay for lunch because then you don’t 
have to bother so I said I’d go with him. I 
suggested Ciro’s but he said he knew about a 
better place so like a fool I went with him. 

It turned out to be another one of those 
French places where they had nothing but red 
wine. So I was more disgusted than ever. 
Well, after we had lunch Mark wanted me to 
go with him to the Bois de Boulogne which I 
told you about. So I thought sitting under the 
trees might make me feel better. 

So I said, “Sure, why not?” 

Then, listen, you’ll never believe it, he 
started to lead me toward a metro station. 
Well, no man alive, even if he is a Marquis, is 
going to get me underground. So I said I 
had a headache and got away after he let go 
kissing my hand long enough for me to slam 
the taxi door shut. After I’d thought it all over 
for a long time I decided that Mark was a poor 
spender even if he is a Marquis and what’s the 


146 


They Do Not 


use of a girl playing around for three weeks in 
Paris with a man who is a poor spender? 

Anyway, when I got back to the Ritz there 
was Max fuller of new ideas and everything 
than ever. He was awfully glad to see me 
which was very nice because it’s always a good 
sign when a screen artist’s director is glad to 
see her because usually they aren’t. Well, he’s 
got a great big surprise for me which he 
wouldn’t tell me even if I am dying to know. 
Max is always so full of surprises and every¬ 
thing. So after I’d thought about it and 
thought about it I decided I wouldn’t think 
about it any more but I couldn’t help it. 

After Max left the telephone rang and they 
told me that something called a Marchioness 
wanted to see me so I said send it up. And 
they did. 

Well, listen, you’ll never believe it, but 
she turned out to be Mark’s wife. I’ve met 
lots of wives in my time, because any girl with 
my ability is bound to sooner or later but I will 
say I never met one like that before. She 
said she was going to sue me. So then I began 
to worry because I thought she had read in the 
paper all about the present Freddy’s mother 
had given to me instead of to a hospital or 
147 


They Do Not 


something. Of course, I didn’t want to lose 
that even if I have got a good contract and a 
Queen writing a scenario for me besides, so I 
didn’t know what to do or how to get hold of 
Max. 

So the minute I could get a word in any¬ 
where I said to the Marchioness, I said, 

“What do you mean, sue me?” 

Well, then she began all over again only 
worse than ever. Why, the things she said to 
me nobody less than a Marchioness would 
have dared to say to anybody but, thank God, 
they were all in a foreign language and I didn’t 
understand a word she was saying. If I’d had 
time to think about it I would have slapped her 
face but I learned long ago never to lose my 
dignity with men’s wives. Well, after she got 
through all the French she could think of she 
told me in plain English that she was going to 
sue me because I’d taken all Mark’s affection 
away from her. 

So I said, “Affection? What do you mean, 
affection? Madam, if you call a kiss on the 
hand affection, you ought to come out to Hol¬ 
lywood.” 

Well, that seemed to quiet her down be¬ 
cause everyone in Pari« in the summertime is 
148 


They Do Not 


very much interested in Hollywood, unless 
they already live there. Well, the second she 
shut up for a minute I gave her a bottle of 
champagne and took one myself. After that 
she seemed to feel even better so I got out two 
more bottles of champagne before she had 
time to open her mouth again. Then we 
talked quietly for a while. So after we’d talked 
quietly for a while and had some more cham¬ 
pagne we began to tell all our troubles to each 
other and about that time I began to feel very, 
very sorry for her because it turned out that 
she was married to Mark when she didn’t know 
any better. She was very young and ignorant 
at the time because her mother was one of 
those old fashioned people who never got a 
divorce, even when it was necessary. So if a 
mother has never even had a divorce once, 
what can she expect to be able to tell her 
daughter about anything? So after she mar¬ 
ried Mark they got a little older than they were 
at the beginning, because some women are 
fools enough to do that. 

Anyway, they had all kinds of trouble, 
except children, because they had no money 
to get along on and of course, when you’ve got 
a title to live up to you’ve got to have some- 
149 


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thing to help you live up to it, or you can’t. 
So then they came to Paris and she had to 
make a living for herself, besides Mark, who 
was even more expensive. So it turned out 
that she was a dressmaker. 

Well, when I heard all about her married 
troubles, except children, I was so sorry I 
could have given her back the two bracelets 
Mark bought me with the money he won on 
the horse-races at Longchamps, which is the 
place I wrote you about. But by that time I 
was so full of sympathy and everything, that 
I didn’t have very much time to think of the 
bracelets. 



SO THEN WE HAD ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE’ 


150 




































They Do Not 


So then we had another bottle of cham¬ 
pagne apiece and that was how I happened to 
tell her I’d buy some of her gowns. Well, of 
course she was pleased about that the same as 
any other dressmaker would have been. Well, 
the suite was already so full of clothes that I 
can’t turn around even if Max did take two 
extra rooms but a girl can always find some 
use for things she doesn’t need sooner or later. 

By using a taxi with a driver who was kind 
enough to help us in and then help us out 
again, we at last reached her establishment. 
Well, when we got there we were all over talk¬ 
ing about our troubles and got to laughing so 
that we had to sit right down in the middle of 
the floor and laugh it out. But after a while I 
could see better so I bought a lot of things and 
took them back to the Ritz where I stored them 
in the basement and now the Marchioness calls 
me “Luella” and I call her “Marie’’ and it’s 
something to call a Marchioness “Marie” even 
if she is a dressmaker. 


The Ritz. 

Well, when Max came in I told him all my 
troubles and he felt very sorry for me. But 
just the same he wouldn’t tell me the surprise 
151 


They Do Not 

he has for me because he said he wanted to be 
sure he’d got it. 

But after a while he said he thought I was 
tired out, so he is going to take me out of Paris 
for a little while because he thinks I am using 
my brain too fast and getting too much French 
atmosphere which pleased me, because any 
artist is glad when her director sees an im¬ 
provement in her. 


Hotel de France. 

Well, it turned out that after Max wanted 
to take me on a trip we had a nice little supper 
together at a place called the Red Mill, which 
all Americans call Moulin Rouge but it’s the 
same thing, and the first thing I knew we were 
on our way to this place called Fontainebleu. 
Well, it did seem good to be going with Max 
who speaks my own language after running 
around with all those foreigners. 

Well, anyhow, the picture Pm to make 
when I get back to Hollywood is very French 
and all about me and Fontainebleu so I’m to 
get as much atmosphere as I can because Max 
says so. 

Well, this is only half of the surprise 
because Max says the other half is back in 
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They Do Not 

Paris, France, and is more important than this 
or a ruby bracelet even. Well, I went and 
spent a whole hour in a palace, which is here 
in Fontainebleu, because that’s the most 
important of all, as it’s a palace full of atmos¬ 
phere and old memories which is something, 
because it is much more than just decoration. 

Well, it all turned out that a famous man 
named Napoleon, which I have mentioned 
before, used to live here with a girl named 
Josephine, before they got a divorce. So after 
Max told me all that I went back and looked 
at the palace for another whole hour and by 
that time I was as full of atmosphere as I could 
possibly get. Of course, I was very much 
interested about Napoleon because every place 
I’ve been in Paris he and I seemed to link up 
together. I mean, I see his name everywhere, 
except in the papers. 

Then Max told me a lot about him and he 
was awfully famous for a foreigner. Like me, 
he started poor but got all he got by hard work 
and some good friends. So Max is going to do 
a screen play all about me as Josephine and 
Napoleon, because she really gets all the sym¬ 
pathy until the very end, where Napoleon is 
left on a cannibal island to starve, but he 
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They Do Not 


doesn’t quite, as Max is going to change that 
part because I’m going to rescue Napoleon in 
an airship and save his life and nurse him back 
to strength and happiness, and after that we 
get the divorce annulled and live together the 
rest of our lives in comfort which is a very 
good moral lesson for all the newly-married 
public. Any picture, to be popular, must have 
a good moral lesson as well as a lot of sex- 
appeal and a well-known star in it all mixed up 
together. A picture like that ought to be a 
wow in America. 


154 


CHAPTER V 


LIFE HAS ITS MOMENTS 




CHAPTER V 


LIFE HAS ITS MOMENTS 


The Ritz. 

Well, here we are back in Paris again. So 
the first thing I did was to go out and take a 
good look at the column out in front of the 
hotel, because it was put up there by that 
Napoleon I wrote you about, and now I’m 
more interested in him than ever. When a 
great man like he was becomes famous he puts 
up statues and things. When a woman like 
me becomes famous, she wears them all on her 
arm unless they happen to be necklaces. So I 
feel we have something in common. 

Well, listen, you’ll never believe it, but 
something has happened just when I was 
beginning to think nothing ever happened to 
me. 

Anyhow, in came Max, dragging along the 
funniest little fellow you ever saw in your life. 
He turned out to be a Russian so that’s the 
reason. He only speaks a few words of Eng¬ 
lish and all the rest is French or something 
foreign, but otherwise he seems to be all right, 
157 


They Do Not 


except that he hasn’t any money because it 
seems there are a lot of Russians over here in 
Paris now who are that way. But I’m so demo¬ 
cratic I never care when people are broke, so 
long as I don’t have to mix with them, if you 
know what I mean. 

Anyhow, Max brought him in for me to look 
over. 

Then he said, “Girlie, do you think you can 
use it?” 

So I said, “What for?” 

So he said, “Do you think you could stand 
it around for a couple of months?” 

So I said, “What for?” again. 

So he said, “It won’t be so bad when you get 
used to it.” 

So then I said, “What could I use the damn 
thing for?” Because what good is a man who 
has no money, especially if he doesn’t speak 
your own language? 

Max said, “For a husband.” 

Well, when I woke up it was the next day. 
By that time I had made up my mind that for 
years and years I’d been letting Max do all my 
thinking for me, because it saved me so much 
trouble, but when it came to marrying Boris, 
for that’s what his name is, everything has its 
158 


They Do Not 

limits, and, after I’d turned it over in my mind, 
I decided then and there that Boris was one of 
them. But just after I’d got my mind good 
and made up, Max came in. 

After all, he is usually right because it 
seems that out in Russia they had a revolution, 
which is the same thing they have so much of 
in Chicago, but in Chicago they call it a “race 
riot.” Well, anyhow, ever since the revolution 
out in Russia Princes have been at half price, 
so Max thought we could afford one. Grand 
Dukes were a little more expensive but it 
seems they were all snatched up in no time. 
So Max thought we could afford Boris, but 
I call him Borax because his real name sounds 
so foreign. Anyway, if I marry him for a 
month or two, that makes me a Princess, which 
Max said any girl with my ability in the pic¬ 
tures ought to be. A nice title is very good for 
a girl, even if her sex-appeal is 100 per cent 
pure as Max is always saying mine is. Well, 
even if Borax isn’t all you might expect in a 
man he comes from some very good families, 
because besides being a Prince, he is very 
closely related to some people called Burgundy 
and some others named Bourbon, who used to 


159 


They Do Not 


be very famous even over in America before 
prohibition became a law if nothing else. 

So I said to Max, “My God, why didn’t you 
tell me all that in the first place instead of 
springing him on me without a warning?'’ 

But Max said, “Shut your damn mouth.” 



“but max satd, ‘shut your damn mouth’ ” 


He always says that to me when he’s busy 
thinking. So I’m used to it by this time as he 
does such a lot of thinking. 

Well, after he got through thinking, Max 
explained to me that my going home from 
France in three short weeks a Princess, not 
including an arm full of bracelets, was worth 
all the front pages there are in the American 
160 







They Do Not 


newspaper offices. So that was what Max was 
thinking about all the time which only goes to 
show how much he thinks of my ability, 
because no director wants to get a girl’s pic¬ 
ture on the front page unless he is sure she can 
live up to it. 

Well, all the front pages in America are 
worth getting married for even if it has to be 
to Borax. 


In the Atlantic Ocean. 

Here we are almost back in America. So 
Max had the captain marry Borax to me 
because it turned out that there is so much 
Liberty in France that the hardest thing to do 
is to get married, otherwise nothing much has 
happened to me on the boat because Max said 
my mind was so tired that I ought to rest it as 
much as it’s possible for me to, so I’ve spent 
most of the time in bed. Because three weeks 
in Paris where there is nothing but one Lib¬ 
erty after another, is as much as any girl as 
young as I’m supposed to be can stand. 

Borax is getting along fine. He looks more 
like a man every day, because when I found 
him wearing bracelets I took them away from 
him and told him I’d wear all the bracelets for 
161 


They Do Not 


the whole family, because if there’s one thing 
I hate, it’s competition. 

Well, Borax is learning English in no time, 
because I taught him to sing that “Mama 
loves Papa, and Papa loves Mama” song in 
two days and he already knew four or five 
other English words. So when we get to 
America I’m going to get him a copy of the ten 
commandments if I can find one in New York, 
because Eve discovered that there are two or 
three of them he ought to know by heart, if I’m 
not getting them mixed up with something 
else. But then you’ve got to expect a few 
things like that in these foreigners. 

The Ritz, New York City. 

Well, here we are back in the good old 
U. S. A. of America, that George M. Cohan is 
always telling the world about. It took us 
quite a long time at the boat because we had 
to let all the reporters see as much of us as 
possible but, of course, a girl of my ability 
must expect things like that. Of course, we 
had to have our pictures taken a great mant 
times and Max told all the reporters every¬ 
thing I was thinking which certainly took a 
weight off my mind, because I’d been too busy 
162 


They Do Not 

getting a wink of sleep to think of anything 
much. 

So after that we came here to the Ritz 
instead of the Algonquin because if you once 
begin with the Ritz, it always gets to be a 
habit as long as anybody can afford it. 

Well, I thought all the Americans were over 
in Paris, but when I went down to lunch today, 
I saw that there were still a few left over here, 
because I saw Muriel Draper and Mary Lawton 
there and Anita Loos was having lunch with 
Ralph Barton. 

I said, “Hello, Ralph.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu, how is that sweet 
Paris?” 

So I told him it was too sweet for words and 
then I said, “Meet the Prince” and he did so 
with pleasure. 

Then we all shook hands with Anita Loos, 
who seems very nice even if she did write a 
book all about a blond girl who was a gold- 
digger and got it published which I don’t 
think was very nice of any girl who is as young 
as she looks. When it comes to books, I’m one 
of those old-fashioned girls, who think litera¬ 
ture, after it’s published, ought to be as pure 
as possible because ever since Mr. Carnegie 
163 


They Do Not 


put up a lot of buildings everywhere and filled 
them all full of books, you never can tell who 
is going to read one these days. I certainly 
wouldn’t want any friend of mine to spend 
their time reading about a girl who was a gold- 
digger, because I knew one once and she was 
very vulgar, even if she was a famous motion- 
picture artist. 

Well, a few other people that really count 
were there, including Marion Davies and 
Norma Talmadge, who got back sooner than 
I did, and Edna Ferber and Gertrude Lane and 
Laurence Stallings, who went to war when the 
last one was in France, and wrote a screen play 
all about it. Well, his screen play made the 
war, which was really over in France, quite 
famous right here in America, which only 
goes to show what an influence the screen 
really has on the public, if you’ve got a good 
press agent. 

So then we found out that Will Rogers was 
here in New York City and that he was giving 
a show up in a place called Carnegie Hall, so 
as we are teaching Borax to be as much Ameri¬ 
can as he possibly can, We thought we ought 
to take him to see Will Rogers, because Max 
always says, “See America first” and after 
164 


They Do Not 


you’ve seen Will Rogers, you’ve seen every¬ 
thing. So we put Borax into a taxi and took 
him up to Carnegie Hall and let him see Will 
Rogers. 

But we didn’t let Will Rogers see Borax, 
because I said to Max, I said, 

“My God, if Will Rogers ever saw Borax, 
he’d kill him.” 

And for once in his life Max agreed with me 
without saying anything back. 



BORAX 

165 















They Do Not 


Well, as it turned out there are still a few 
other Americans left in America but most of 
the crowd at Carnegie Hall looked very for¬ 
eign. Anyway, Mr. Abraham Erlanger, the 
most famous theatrical manager in America, 
was there and I was very glad to see him 
because 1 used to know him quite well, that 
is, I used to see a lot of him when I was con¬ 
nected with one of his companies in the box- 
office. Well, besides him, two boys named 
Kermit and Teddy, whose last name is Roose¬ 
velt, were also there so I told Borax to take 
a good long look at them. They are considered 
very American because they used to live in 
Washington, D. C., in a big white house which 
is so famous here in America that everyone is 
always naming coffee or suspenders or some¬ 
thing after it. 

Well, then I looked some more and saw 
Mrs. Fiske, who is very famous as an actress, 
even if she has made only one or two plays for 
the screen yet, as far as I know, and Fannie 
Hurst, who buys a bank every time she finishes 
a new story, was in the audience. 

After that the curtain went up and Will 
began to throw a lot of ropes and everything. 


166 


They Do Not 

So the audience seemed very happy about it. 
Anyhow, they clapped. It was a great night. 


On the Train . 

Bound for Hollywood! 

Well, there are a lot of other people on the 
train besides us, so Hollywood won’t be so 
deserted after all. 

Max was right. I certainly ought to be a 
very happy girl if anyone is. Here I sit in my 
compartment with a screen-play written for 
me by a Queen. On one side of me is Borax 
with a title and on the other side of me is my 
director full of French atmosphere. And on 
my arm is Mark, Dickie, Tony, Freddy, and a 
few others I may have forgotten to mention. 

Well, Max calls me “Cinders” now. She 
was a poor little girl who used to spend all of 
her time in the gutter with the ash cans but 
one day somebody discovered her ability and 
after that she got a lot of things from friends 
who were interested in her including a great 
deal of jewelry and a Prince. So she’s like 
me in lots of ways, except that she never got 
the chance to show her ability on the screen 
because in her day the film industry wasn’t 
what it is now. 


167 



AND ON MY ARM IS MARK, DICKIE, TONY, FREDDY AND A FEW 
OTHERS I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN TO MENTION.” 














They Do Not 


Anyhow, you’ll never believe it, or maybe 
you will, but my three weeks in Paris were 
worth everything I’ve had to go through to get 
there, including the Atlantic Ocean. 

Oh, well, life has its moments. 


169 












































. 


































- 




























































CHAPTER VI 


BORAX LEAVES HOLLYWOOD AND I TAKE UP 
SPANISH 

































































































CHAPTER VI 


BORAX LEAVES HOLLYWOOD AND I TAKE UP 
SPANISH 


Hollywood. 

Well, here I am right where I started out 
from, and except for all the Liberty of Paris, 
give me the jazz of this little berg everytime. 
As we spun up Hollywood Boulevard and I 
looked out and saw Sid Grauman’s Egyptian 
Theatre and the Christie Hotel and Mont¬ 
martre, my heart just went smash because 
here we all are, me and the Warner boys and 
Fairbanks and Pickfords and Charlie and Bill 
Fox and A1 Christie and Sol Lesser and Jessie 
Lasky and Buster Keaton and all the Tal- 
madges besides Sam Goldwyn. So even if all 
these famous people haven’t begun to put up 
statues of themselves all over the place yet 
they’ve done everything besides that includ¬ 
ing their pictures to everybody who sends 
them twenty-five cents in silver or even 
stamps. So Hollywood has got all these people 
besides Charles Chaplin and a lot of others 
and Paris has only got Napoleon after all. 

171 


They Do Not 


Well, I haven’t had much time to write 
because of course everybody wanted to give 
parties for me with gingerale that wasn’t quite 
pure and everything because they were so glad 
to see a girl like me and all my ability back in 
their midst again. So Life was just one hang¬ 
over after another hang-over. Besides me, 
everybody wanted to see the Prince I’d 
brought back alive. So everywhere I went I 
said, 

“Shake hands with the Prince.” 

So everybody shook hands with Borax and 
took a good look at him but when they took a 
good look at him I said to myself, only, of 
course not out loud, I said, 

“My God, I hope they’re not thinking the 
same thing I think every time I look at him.” 
Because when you look at Borax you just got 
to think a lot until you get used to it. 

So I always say that to myself. Believe me, 
after you’ve been in a train with a man five 
days from New York to Los Angeles you get 
to know a thing or two about him which 
nobody but his mother maybe knew before. 
Because I’d never been on a train with any 
man that long before, I mean five days long, 
except Max, so of course it was all new to 
172 


They Do Not 


me. Of course I don’t like to talk about my 
own husband or anybody else’s or anything 
like that but even before our train pulled out 
of Kansas City I began to wonder how a man 
with a head as square as Borax’s head is 
square could wear a round hat and keep it on. 

Well, I thought I ought to give a big party 
just to show everybody I was as glad to see 
them as they were to see me, so I did. So on 
Saturday night we all had dinner and then 
everybody who could still walk after so much 
food and everything, went down to the Bilt- 
more to dance, and it was fine because every¬ 
body that could still carry them brought their 
flasks and besides that there was jazz and 
spotlights. Well, Alma Rubens looked won¬ 
derful because she was with Ricardo Cortez, 
Priscilla Dean was there, came with Wheeler 
Oakman who happens to be her husband and 
so did Constance Talmadge and Norman Kerry 
and Mr. and Mrs. Earle Williams and Dot 
Hubbard and Colleen Moore was there with 
John McCormick and so I asked Colleen all 
about the new picture I heard Florence Ryer- 
son was doing for her but she hadn’t heard a 
thing about it yet. Ben Lyon came too with 
Dorothy Dore and so did Baroness d’Estreilles 
173 


They Do Not 


because I thought all of us titled people ought 
to stick together as much as we can because 
we can make a better showing because when 
all of us Princesses and things get together, 
then all of our conversation is so elite up till 
midnight anyway. So she says, 

“How are you this evening, Princess?” 

And I say: “Swell, how is yourself, Bar- 

09 ? 

oness: 

So she says, “It’s a beautiful party, Prin¬ 
cess.” 

And then I reply, “Swank is the word, 
Baroness.” 

So when everybody hears us talking like 
that, I mean calling each other by our hus¬ 
band’s titles they all turn and look at us and 
ask each other a lot of questions and of course 
that’s very important when you are in the 
pictures. 

So of course Jack Dempsey was there with 
Estelle because I feel it’s always safer to have 
at least one very strong man in the crowd when 
you give the kind of parties I always give, or 
nearly always. Well, there were a lot of other 
people there besides Wanda Hawley and 
Tommy Grey and Irvin Willat and Billie Dove 
so it was a swell party and when it was time to 
174 


They Do Not 

go home and we got into our cars and started 
off, the police didn’t say a word or anything 
which I thought was very nice of them. 

Well, everybody got home all right except 
Borax but Max got an ambulance for him so 
now he’s all well again except for a few bruises 
but that’s what he gets for trying to tell Jack 
that Carpentier was the best fighter in the 
world. 


Hollywood. 

Well, when I got up this morning I decided 
that if Borax wanted to see Southern Califor¬ 
nia right he ought to begin by going and taking 
a good look at a mission because everybody 
who comes to California always takes a good 
look at one once. Anyhow, take away the mov¬ 
ing picture industry and all the missions and 
the climate when it isn’t foggy and what have 
you? Nothing that amounts to anything 
except the Cocoanut Grove at the Ambassador. 
So I took him out to San Juan Capistrano 
because that’s just about as close as any of 
them as far as I know because it’s only about 
sixty miles away which isn t so far in a Stutz. 
Well, Borax took a very good look at the walls 
175 


They Do Not 


because they are four feet thick and I thought 
of him but of course I didn’t tell him so. 

It seems long ago, before the motion picture 
industry made California what it is today, 
everybody used to go around eating tamales 
and chili and throwing knives at each other 
and there used to be a lot of women called 
senoritas and men called cabaleros who went 
everywhere in spurs and were always sweeping 
their rapiers all over the place so of course 
you had to have walls four feet thick in those 
days. I will say that California is a lot safer 
than it used to be several years ago because 
knives is one thing everybody out here has 
stopped throwing. 

So when we got back I thought I’d go see a 
lot of people because after three weeks in Paris 
you lose track of everything. 

It turned out that while I was away every¬ 
body seems to have gone in for native sons, 
if you know what I mean. Well, the Chaplins 
have another boy now, and the Robards have 
got one out in the Good Samaritan Hospital 
and so have the Clive Brooks and so have the 
Monte Blues but Agnes Ayres has a girl. So 
after I’d turned it over in my mind a lot I was 
glad Borax sleeps in the guest room. It’s 
176 


They Do Not 

rather small but adequate . . . that is, ade¬ 
quate. 

Anyway, Borax wanted to see some of our 
Hollywood “night life,” but of course as there 
isn’t much Liberty over here we don’t have 
any “night life” only what you take with you, 
except near-beer but nobody ever drinks it 
unless she’s a fool. Anyway, Borax wanted to 
see the stars because that’s what everybody 
wants to see when they come to Hollywood, but 
if they had any sense they’d stay home and 
look at them for forty cents because it costs 
more than that out here and besides lots of 
people get an awful shock of disappointment 
when they see the real thing because no girl 
can keep right on acting when the camera isn’t 
going unless there is something the matter 
with her. So we went down Sunset Boulevard 
and then turned over to Hollywood Boulevard 
until we almost come to Vine street and there 
was Henry’s little place and you’re always sure 
to see somebody there. So we went in. 

There was Henry right up in front. 

I said, “Hello, Henry.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

And then he asked me how I liked Paris. 
So I told him and after I told him which didn’t 
177 


They Do Not 


take very long because I just said, “Fine,” I 
told him to shake hands with the Prince. So 
he took his cigar out of his mouth and shook 
hands with Borax with pleasure. Anyway 
that’s what he said but I couldn’t see how he 
got any pleasure out of it because Henry’s not 
in society like some of the rest of us and don’t 
have to go around telling lies in people’s faces 
unless he really feels like it. 

Henry used to be in the same business Mary 
Garden is in and over in Paris they’ve got a 
whole building for it but I don’t think they do 
much business because the afternoon I looked 
at it there wasn’t a soul going in. So I asked 
Max about it and it seems like opera is like 
the old fashioned quartet only they do it in a 
foreign language just to fool people and make 
them think it’s good. 

After that we went to one of the tables in 
the back and sat down because everybody was 
back there talking about the new premiere at 
Sid Grauman’s because everybody goes to 
Henry’s and talks over the premieres. 

Well, there was Charlie Chaplin because 
he’s there almost every night. 

So I said, “Hello, Charlie.” 

And he said, “Hello, Lu.” 

178 


They Do Not 


But he didn’t ask me anything about Paris 
because he don’t care much about it. 

Then we ordered Turkey Sandwiches be¬ 
cause that’s part of what Henry is famous for 
because everybody eats turkey sandwiches 
there unless they’ve never been there before. 

Then I told Borax all about Henry in simple 
English language because Borax don’t under¬ 
stand any other kind yet except a lot of swear 
words. Well, anyhow, once upon a time 
besides from being in the opera, Henry Berg¬ 
man used to be a strong man and an actor but 
finally he wanted to show his art on the screen 
like everybody else. So he came out to Holly¬ 
wood and worked with Pathe and then way 
back in 1916 which is really farther back than 
a girl who is as young as I am supposed to be 
is supposed to remember he went to play with 
Charlie Chaplin and he has been playing with 
him ever since. He has been in every one of 
Charlie’s pictures for the last ten years. He 
was Hank Curtis, the good Samaritan, in the 
“Gold Rush” and when Charlie’s new pic¬ 
ture “The Circus” is all finished he is going 
to be the ringmaster with a whip or something. 

Well, Charlie went home early because ever 
since something “out of the nowhere and into 
179 


They Do Not 


the here” arrived and got itself called Sydney 
Earl Chaplin, Charlie always rushes home 
early. 

Anyhow, I’m glad I don’t have to rush home 
early because a girl with my ability can’t 
always be rushing about all over the place to 
look after a baby and besides it might take 
after its father and then we would have to 
drown it or something and then we’d get all 
mixed up with the police and Max always tells 
me to keep right on mixing up with everything 
I can except the police. 

Hollywood . 

Well, as this is Friday I thought I ought to 
take Borax over to the Writer’s Club who have 
a swell place over on Sunset Boulevard. I 
thought all the writers ought to see him and 
his spats and everything because people who 
use their brains to make a living on a type¬ 
writer always like to see something that’s dif¬ 
ferent from anything else they’ve ever seen in 
their whole lives, and though I will admit you 
can see most anything in Hollywood I had a 
treat for them. 

So we went in and there was Donald Ogden 
180 


They Do Not 

Stewart and Rupert Hughes running the 
whole business because they always do. 

Don said, “Hello, Lu, how’s Paris?” 

And I said, “Fine.” 

Then Jim Tully said, “Hello, Lu, how is 
Paris?” 

And I said, “Fine.” 

Then Montague Glass said, “Hello, Lu, how 
is Paris?” 

So I said, “Fine.” 

And then George Ade said, “Hello, Lu, how 
is Paris?” 

So I said, “Fine.” 

And then Lew Cody said, “Hello, Lu, how 
is Paris?” 

So I said, “Oh, go to hell.” 

Then I went over to the big “dutch treat” 
table where Frank Spearman and Carrie 
Jacobs Bond and William S. Hart and Edgar 
Rice Burroughs and Jane Murfin and Frances 
Marion besides Jeanie McPherson and a lot of 
other people were eating and I got up on a 
chair and I said, so they could hear me all at 
once, I said, 

“Listen, world, Paris is fine.” 

So then when they got all through laughing 
I said, 


181 


They Do Not 


“Look what I captured alive and brought 
back with me. You can all look at it but don’t 
you hurt it. So they all looked at Borax a lot 
and then I said, 

“Shake with the Prince.” 

So they all did and Bert Lytell asked me 
why didn’t I bring back the Prince of Wales 
but I told him the P. 0. W. wasn’t in Paris at 
the same time I was. 

So then we ate lunch and talked all about 
Paris. Of course everybody was surprised 
I could see so much in three weeks but then 
a girl with my ability can always do lots of 



“he seems to fit at a tea-party better than anything 

ELSE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND SO FAR.” 


182 











They Do Not 

things nobody ever dreams of unless they are 
as young as I’m supposed to be. 

After that we went home, so after I’d turned 
it over in my mind several times and then 
thought about it quite a bit I decided to take 
Borax over to Montmartre, so after we got 
there we went in and Paul found us a ring-side 
seat on the Hollywood Boulevard side because 
that’s where all of us stars always sit. So we 
were all there besides Mary Astor and Dick 
Barthelmess and Douglas MacLean and 
Dolores Costello and Betty Compson and Tom 
Mix so Borax got his eyes all full of stars but 
he’s awfully disappointed because he can’t 
seem to realize that there isn’t anything like 
the Liberty over here that there is in Paris 
unless you’ve got a good Bootlegger and even 
that isn’t everything. But Borax can’t get it 
out of his head that we aren’t so immoral out 
here in Hollywood as all the newspapers would 
have you think we are. That’s one reason 
everybody gets their director or their new hus¬ 
band or somebody elses to take them to Paris 
every summer. 

Hollywood. 

Well, I took Borax to a tea-party today 
because he seems to fit at a tea-party better 
183 


They Do Not 

than anything else I have been able to find so 
far. 

Of course everybody talked about every¬ 
body else that wasn’t there out loud because 
that’s what tea-parties are supposed to be for, 
to give you a good chance to say what you 
think, if you do, about anybody you please, 
because if you say it at a tea-party and they 
hear about it afterward they can’t get mad 
about it, for very long anyhow, so I heard 
about everybody and it seems Anita Stewart is 
wearing a slave anklet for some Italian doctor 
but he isn’t a Prince or anything like that so 
far as I can find out yet. And Dorothy Dawn 
studied French for eight years in a school in 
Philadelphia but I don’t see how that does 
her any good in pictures, do you? Anyhow, 
I’m glad I spent all my three weeks when I 
was over in Paris looking at all the beautiful 
things and taking advantage of all the Liberty. 
Well, listen, Ramon Novarro has taken up 
singing with his mother and they do it over 
K.H.J. Well, that’s all they talked about so 
I drank as much tea as I could hold because 
that’s what you’re supposed to do, and then I 
told everybody what a swell time I’d had, and 
after that was all done we went home. 

184 


They Do Not 


Tia Juana. 

Well, here I am down in Mexico because I 
thought Borax ought to like Mexico because 
down here in Mexico there is almost as much 
Liberty as there is in Paris, France. Only of 
course they don’t do it so well because after 
all they’re just Mexicans no matter what you 
may think and haven’t got all the beautiful 
buildings to look at like Paris or the Rue de 
la Paix, but just the same even if they haven’t 
got the Rue de la Paix you can spend just as 
much down here as you can in Paris, I mean 
if you’ve got anybody in the party to spend it. 
There are two blocks to Tia Juana with three 
curio stores and all the rest are salons which 
is quite a few when you stop to think there 
are only five hundred people in the town after 
the Americans have gone home. Just outside 
of town are The Foreign Club and Monte 
Carlo where everybody goes to gamble, but I 
didn’t tell Borax anything about them. So I 
left him at the San Francisco and went over to 
the Coffroth race-track to see if I could see 
any ponies or anything but I didn’t. Anyway 
Buster Keaton and Joe Schenck and some of 
the Talmadges were there because there are so 
many of them you can’t miss them anywhere, 
185 


They Do Not 


including Paris and New York and Tia Juana. 
Well, when I got back to the San Francisco I 
couldn’t find Borax anywhere, so I didn’t 
know what to do about it because the line 
closes at six now instead of ten as it used to 
the last time I was down here and no girl wants 
to stay in Mexico all night even with her own 
husband, unless she’s a fool. Well, I didn’t 
know what to do somemore because a girl can’t 
leave her husband no matter who he is, with a 
lot of foreigners when lie’s another kind of 
a foreigner because when you start to mix a 
whole lot of foreign languages up together 
you never know what might happen. 

So I went to look for him. Well, listen, 
you’ll never believe it, because pretty soon I 
found Borax all surrounded by a lot of women 
who looked very fast from all I could see, 
which was almost everything. Of course the 
climate down here is very famous everywhere 
for its heat so if you stop to think of it you 
can’t blame the girls for wearing nothing 
almost but I don’t think that’s the only rea¬ 
son because I’ve seen the same thing over in 
Paris, France, and it’s not so hot over there as 
some of those girls would have you believe 
from the amount of clothes they wear. Well, 
186 


They Do Not 


of course it’s none of my business one way or 
another but any girl hates to see her husband, 
if she ever happens to do so, making a fool of 
himself with a lot of women in that condition 
and it didn’t take me very long to see that 
Borax was in the same condition himself. I 
could tell right away from the smell and every¬ 
thing that Borax had been in every single one 
of the sixty-seven salons in Tia Juana and 
hadn’t even looked at the three curio shops. 
Well, I just assumed a very haughty manner 
Max taught me for the screen and led Borax 
right out of that place and marched him to a 
curio store. 

So then I bought him a curio and brought 
him back here and I got a waiter to put him in 
a chair and sit on him till I get this letter writ¬ 
ten to tell you how I showed my husband all 
the sights down here in Mexico besides the 
ones he found for himself. But when I stop to 
think what he’s seen besides what I saw the 
minute my back was turned, my God, I just 
shudder to myself. 

Well, you never can tell about these for¬ 
eigners because I met a few when I was over 
in Paris and I know what I’m talking about. 

But then I don’t sunnose I can blame Borax 
187 



“i COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY FROM THE SMELL AND EVERYTHING 
THAT BORAX HAD BEEN IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE 
SIXTY-SEVEN SALONS IN TIA JUANA” 
























































They Do Not 


too much because any man is bound to look for 
all the Liberty he can the minute his wife’s 
back is turned, especially if he’s been shut up 
in a guest room as long as Borax has been shut 
up in a guest room. 

So I’ve forgiven him because that’s what a 
wife is supposed to do, and anyway just 
between us, I let him marry me just to please 
Max by getting on all the front pages in 
America and besides I feed him and bought 
him a new sport suit with a belt to wear in Cal¬ 
ifornia, so that’s something. 

But just the same he’s still so young for a 
man of his age that’s been through a revolu¬ 
tion, that I can’t help wishing I’d been able to 
find a copy of those ten commandments Mr. 
De Mille made so famous a few years ago, 
because I’m sure there was another edition 
besides the stone ones, because no girl, I don’t 
care how many figures there are in her con¬ 
tract, can afford to go around with a lot of 
bricks in her trunk. 


Hollywood. 

Well, I’ve been through an awful lot since 
the last time I wrote you. Because I’ve been 
through everything but a divorce and Max is 
189 


They Do Not 


going to attend to that to as soon as he gets 
time, because when a girl like me gets a 
divorce it’s sure to be on the front page of all 
the papers which is very important, so Max has 
to think up as many things as he can. 

So we had to let Borax go because after I 
took him down to Mexico that time he was 
never the same afterward. Every time my 
back was turned he’d go sneaking away some¬ 
where and no girl with all my ability wants a 
man around who is always sneaking away 
somewhere. 

Besides it got so he used up all my perfume 
and I made up my mind I wasn’t going to have 
all my expensive perfume used up on some¬ 
body else’s ears, even if I did happen to be 
married to him at the time. 

But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst 
of it was that it got so I couldn’t keep a drop 
of cologne in the house because every time I 
got a drop of cologne in the house, Borax 
would drink it all up so 1 told Max I couldn’t 
have a man who was always drunk around, 
besides from smelling like a bath room. So 
after I told Max that, he agreed with me be¬ 
cause the last time he paid my cologne bill it 
was something awful. 

190 


They Do Not 

Anyhow we got Borax a ticket for Paris and 
gave him three hundred dollars, besides which 
was certainly a lot more than he was worth so 
far as I was concerned. 

So now I can give all my time to my art and 



my director and anyway what is a Russian 
Prince to a girl with all my ability when she’s 
got her art and all of her great public to live 
for? 

Besides that they say the King of Spain is 
coming over next year. 

P. S. I’m learning Spanish. 

191 

























































































































































































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